Reality TV: A Little Too Real

Well 2010 is officially on it's way out the door, and it's got me thinking... what do I want to heave out the door with it? My job? Check. These excess pounds that have taken up residence on my bum? Sounds pretty splendid. Oh and ya know what would be fabulous to send out with 2010. Reality TV. That'd be pretty nice...

There is literally a reality show for everything. Pawn Stars is one of my personal favorites, because they've glamorized this business into TV-quality. I can honestly say I've never stepped foot in a pawn shop, not because I've just never had the opportunity to grace them with my presence... oh no, it's because I've avoided them like the plague. These places just seem like dirty, trashy establishments and I'm sorry for sounding condescending, but ew. Granted, the pawn shop in the show is pretty nice, but they are definitely the exception, not the rule.

Parking Wars... ????? I seriously thought that I was being punked when I first saw a preview for this show. As all reality shows, some of the people are funny. But that's life, you occasionally run across some pretty entertaining people. By no means does that mean we have to start filming our lives just so we can publicize the interesting characters we run across. There are some hilariously entertaining people in my line of work, but I'd be more embarrassed than anything to show them off to the world- "Yeah guys, this is the kind of caliber of people I work with... You're just dripping with jealousy, aren't you?" Nope...

Another one is Billy the Exterminator. I'll admit, I've spent more than a few hours watching this show, not for the entertainment value, but it's sorta educational. But at the end of the day, it's a show about a guy who takes care of pests, and I could live without that on the tube. Apparently this guy got his shot at a TV show when he was featured on Mike Rowe's Dirty Jobs and SOMEONE decided, "this guy's got pizazz, let's give him his own show!" He's an exterminator with an unconventional sense of style. That's it. Stimulating TV ya got there.

Storage Wars is a new one, I've never actually seen an episode or even part for that matter, just what I've seen on previews. From what I gather, it's about storage facilities. My interest was never stimulated enough to get more information than that. Another one-seasoner, I'd put money on it.

Hoarders is taking it a bit far. This one's a bit different, because it's a mental condition. This one disgusts me more in the light that it's exploiting this rather embarrassing, mental problem. It's somewhat educational, sure... but how much more can we exploit personal issues. Intervention is a personal favorite of mine and I support it, but it's completely different. It's not as embarrassing, in the sense that hoarding is a habit that can easily be kept behind closed doors and no one will ever know. If you're a "stumbling all over yourself, cracked out 24/7, loud, disrespectful" addict, everyone knows it, whether you're on TV or not.

Oddities is a new one we're watching, and as entertaining as it can be... at times, it's not 100% there. Some of it's pretty gross. Most of it, actually. Watch one episode, you'll see exactly what I'm talking about. Another fabulous example that we don't need to publicize every strange person we come across, because the store in the show clearly has more than it's share.

Sarah Palin's Alaska needs to go straight where her political career went. Guess what? We didn't care enough about your personal life when we had the ability to put it in front of us 24/7, we don't care to tune into it either. LET IT GO! She's grasping!

In my research for this entry (yes, they aren't just rants, I get good, solid background on these puppies!) I came across yet another reality show that blows my mind. Swamp Loggers. Before you Le Goog it, I'll save you the trouble, it's exactly what it sounds like. Loggers that find wood in swamps. Here's my question... where was the interest in this line of work to spark this show?? Not with this girl, that's for sure.

Oh, and if logging toots your flute, but swamp logging is a bit extreme for you, don't worry, there's a show for you too... American Loggers is the plain M&M's version. Also, exactly what it sounds like. Ugh. Again, not a line of work that's ever intrigued me enough to complain about the lack of a show about it.

Deadliest Catch is also beyond me. Granted, these guys risk their lives out there and I'm not degrading that, but still... movies about fake fishermen have failed, how is a show about real ones expected to do the opposite? One of those shows you can only watch one or two episodes of before it becomes the same thing over and over and over again.

Police Women of Dallas/Memphis is no winner either. Those who know me probably think I'd like these shows. They'd be mistaken. Sure, these are independent women with guns slapping handcuffs on people. But it's a poor man's version of Cops and one version is enough. It's just not stimulating enough to keep me coming back for more.

I really could go on all day about these shows... and the sad thing is, we haven't gotten the hint yet about what works and what doesn't. We just keep throwing these things against the wall to see what sticks. I want to start standing in the board rooms where the initial "yay or nay" discussions about these shows take place with a big ol' cast iron skillet. The guys who support the stupid shows get to meet my little friend. Simple, effective solution, I think!

IT'S ABOUT TIME!!!

It's been a bit since I last blogged... and a LOT has changed! I put in my two weeks notice at work yesterday, and as much stress as I'm feeling about not having a job for the time being, I have to say a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I had hit a point where enough is enough, and I learned a lot in the process. What did I learn exactly, you say? Oh don't worry... I was gonna share!

1. Don't ever be friends with your boss. There are some supervisors who are good at wearing both hats, but those are few and far between. Sometimes it's best to just draw the line yourself, because honestly, even though they are supervisors and have been at the job longer, their people skills might be lacking.
2. When you screw up, admit your mistakes. I know, I know... basic, common sense. But this is apparently really hard for some people. I'm aware of my mistakes I made in the situation leading up to this point. I apologized and accept full responsibility for my part. The other part has yet to be accounted for in the way of an apology, but whatever. Big part of why I'm leaving.
3. When you're told to do something, even if you reeeeeeally don't wanna do it, just do it. Even if you don't agree with it. I fought this really hard for a long time, and it screwed me. By the time I realized that this would have been MUCH easier, it was already too late. There was too much tension. I'm really stubborn, and I can admit that.

Yeah, not exactly rocket science, but for some reason, it just didn't make sense before. It was something I knew but I guess I didn't see the consequences of not doing those things before. One of those things that you really don't fully understand until you've been there and experienced it. Some things can't be taught in classrooms or learned in books.

So what now? No, I don't have a job lined up yet. I am in a great position to do this right now, though, and I have a lot of possibilities open to me. I'm not that worried about it. I have a great husband who has me taken care of until I can find something, so this really couldn't be a better situation for me. I hate that I'm leaving a job I've had for 5 years, but it's time to. I have literally hurled myself back into my jewelry making and that's been amazing. I have so many ideas that I just can't seem to bring to life as quickly as I think of them. I'm not much of a doodler, but I've had to start a sketch pad just to get them out of my head until I can put some work into them. I've got a website, an online store, a Facebook page and business cards on the way!

I know today's post wasn't much of one... I've had a lot of stuff going on in that big ol' rock on my shoulders and not much of it funny, I'm afraid!

Now Available: One Slightly Abused, Gorgeous Hunk of Male

Good news for Ryan Reynolds fans- He's officially filed for divorce from Scarlet Slut-hansson. I'm married, so I'm not exactly in a position to take a number for this sex-on-a-stick actor, but there are plenty of better women out there for him than her. Then again, my husband did wake me up at 4:30 in the morning to share this bit of happy news with me, still trying to figure that one out.

Here's my thing about Scarlet- sure, she's pretty, and she's not a bad actress. But she clearly has a thing or two to learn about relationships. She was the one to first bring up divorce, but they agreed he'd file so she wouldn't have to be the bad guy. Umm... this is stupid. As a divorcee myself, here's a tip for those who haven't been there: there is always a "bad guy". And it's typically the person who first asks for the divorce, when the rest of the bloody-gorey details are kept private. This is clearly one of those cases. I have several friends who were the petitioner in their divorces, but I'm close enough to them to know that the reasons behind the filing were not their fault. But outsiders who don't have the privileged information as to exactly what went wrong typically don't see it that way. My divorce was one of these cases. My ex-husband was a bad person, and very few people knew it. His actions that caused me to leave him where out of character for the guy everyone else knew. I'm the bad guy in my divorce, because to everyone else, it looked like I just up and left. This was not the case. But to be frank, I don't give a shit. It's no one's business but mine and my family's. I'm used to having a less than desirable reputation, what's one more rumor to my credit? The people I care about know the truth and that's all that matters.

Ryan Reynolds has always struck me as very mature, very well-carried individual. Anything but the Van Wilder character he started out as, basically. Apparently the "real" reason behind the divorce was that they spent too much time apart. I don't buy this. Scarlet has been hanging out with her ex, Jared Leto, quite a bit throughout her marriage, and has been leaning on a lot of male celebrity buddies of hers for support through this. It's more likely that she just wasn't ready for marriage, wasn't ready to be unavailable and decided to bow out. Which is fine! I don't see why people aren't honest about their divorces, this happens allll the time. My husband's ex-wife just split with her boyfriend of 3 1/2 years and he is just now learning from us why she and my husband divorced in the first place. OK, she was a whore... I can see why people don't share that. But there is an immense amount of respect out there for people who can cop up to their mistakes and admit they made a booboo. I don't know why that's been thrown out the window. As bad as my ex is, I made my mistakes too. Plenty of them, I never claimed to be perfect.

No matter what the story is, anyone who's been divorced is a schmuck. Whether they were the guilty party or they were crazy enough to stay with a son-of-a-silly person, there's a schmuck hat for everyone. And I imagine these hats look something like berets with little springs where that wee button is, and on the top of that spring is a goofy little ball. Like those Jack in the Box heads for car antennas. Only sillier.

Shyamalan, Hitchcock... Milk, Creamer... NOT THE SAME!!

I watched Devil last night for the second time, that new-ish movie from M. Night Shyamalan about 5 people getting stuck in an elevator with the devil. And for the second time, I decided I liked it but it wasn't exactly what I expected. And I realized that this is exactly what people have come to expect from this director/writer- the unexpected. And not in a good way.

I've read that M. Night Shyamalan considers himself to be the second coming of Alfred Hitchcock. Eh... not so much. I mean, kind of... The 6th Sense and The Village were the only movies that I would consider to be Hitchcock-ian style. He also likes to make a director cameo in each of his films (FYI- he didn't have one in Devil) which Hitchcock invented and perfected. Shyamalan effed that up by actually having a speaking role that was pertinent to the plot. Hitchcock literally did a walk by in each of his cameos. He wasn't an actor, nor did he pretend to be. Seeing that this guy thinks of himself as the same caliber as Sir Alfred Hitchcock is almost insulting to me. I am a HUGE Hitchcock fan, I have the velvet lined boxed set and make it a point to watch every one of them at least once a year. There's a very specific cinematic style to Hitchcock, it's not just a tame suspense flick with a crazy twist at the end. Shyamalan's movies are very dark, which is not Hitchcock. (How many times can I say "Hitchcock" in this blog? Hitchcock, Hitchcock, Hitchcock... )

A lot of Hollywood super-geeks seem to be misunderstood as to what a "twist" actually is. Let me set the record straight: a true, 100% twist in plot is when an event takes place that is completely out of context with the previous events leading up to it. In Devil, *SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER* the devil is one of the passengers in the elevator, which is not a big surprise, because we were led to believe that from about 25 minutes into it, we just didn't know who it was. It was never introduced as an option that the devil was a separate entity from the individuals in the elevator. Finding out the identity is NOT a twist!!! And this false idea of what a twist is ruins every one's opinions on them, so they leave the theater's saying to themselves, "OMG what a great movie!" Makes me want to scream "NONONONONO!!!! It was horrible!" I get so disappointed when I see a movie that was all built up as having a crazy ending and walk out thinking, "is that it?" The person that was the devil in this movie was like the second or third person to die, but came back to life later. Again... disappointing, because it's predictable.

Come to think of it... if you don't like spoilers, stop reading. Being discrete is not one of my strong suits.

My all-time favorite Shyamalan movie is The Village because the entire time, we were thinking it took place a looong time ago. It wasn't until like the last 5 minutes that we realized that it was during modern times, they were just holed up in their own little delusional existence that their lives were as it should be. There were kind of two twists, actually. The first was when the blind chick realized that the monsters she'd feared her whole life were actually the town elders in big ol' ugly suits. That one was enough for me, but the very end, EEK!! That's the kind of ending I live for! Now it's time for me to admit what you're probably thinking- I'm a dork, loser, geek, all of the above. I also own the complete collection of The Twilight Zone on DVD, if anyone was wondering.

The 6th Sense was actually a bit too dark to be a Hitchcock-style movie, but it had the trademark real twist at the end, so we'll let it slide. Watching it a second or third time, it's easy to think you were silly for not noticing it the first time around. But you didn't! Admit it! If you claim to have known he was dead all along, you LIE! And that "I see dead people" thing, priceless!!

OK my dork moment has officially over-stayed it's welcome. I'm going to go eat the 10 pounds of candy my co-workers gave me for Christmas.

An ADD Kinda Day

I've always thought the "prophecy" about 12-23-12 being the end of the world was rubbish. My theory? If you were given a pencil and a couple of hundred pieces of paper and told "Here's the format, make a calendar and keep going as far as you can," you'd get pretty stinkin' tired after a while. You'd make it a couple of thousand years or so before you'd think to yourself, "I've given them plenty, they may not even live that long and even if they do, they can pick it up from there." For some reason, this generation of idiots has concluded that this means the world is ending on that precise day. There is no actual written prediction of this, we just like focusing on the end of the world. My mom is one of these people. Everything is a sign and falls into this great master plan that the world will end on a specific time after certain events take place. My opinions? It's not happening now, so pass me a beer and we can forget about it for a while. The truth about this date? It's the first day of the 14th b'ak'tun, which is basically just a specific measurement for a specific chunk of time. We've just translated the end of a calendar to just that- the end of time. Which is dumb.

Which brings me back to how tiring this colossal task would be. I'm an artsy-craftsy kinda girl, and I got a wild hair up my ass and decided to make a day planner for 2011. Next time I mention this, send me a comment or an email and remind me how stupid I was for trying this in the first place. Think about it- you fold a page and it has page 1 on the left and page 2 on the right. Fold another and stick it inside the first set of pages and what was page 2 now becomes page 4. OK so now that you have the idea of how that works, I have to fold 8 pieces of paper and put them inside of each other. And there are 5 sections just like that. Imagine the typing, the printing, the folding... Ugh. I'm a dumbass for thinking this up. Now that I've done this, my 2012 theory has just been further solidified. It's tiring. It's a lot of work. It's confusing. And I've gone through more Excedrin in the past week than I have in a lifetime. But they've turned out nicely, so it wasn't for nothing. But stttiiiiiilllllllllll....

I'm going to hop off that soapbox and mosey over to another. This is not a pretty subject, but one that must be covered. Plumber's butt. Yeah, I'm gonna go there. I saw the worst one I've ever seen in my life. One of those dirty jeans, top of the Hanes tighty-whities hanging out, splotchy red, fat-as-f*** numbers. No, I didn't look on purpose and I darted my glance another way the second I realized what I was looking at. But I have a semi photographic memory, and these are the kind of mental pictures that have a tendency to overstay their welcome. Why can't my memories from Christmases or vacations be that way... I forget those pretty stinking easily. And this brings me to another common theme from previous entries... how do you not know that this is happening??? Especially in this guy's case, paired with the weather we've been having, how do you NOT feel a draft??? When enough skin is showing to project IMAX films on, you can't not notice it. The concept of a belt escapes these men. Or women, in some cases, but people seem to complain a lot less about those. I wonder why... I think I'm scarred for life, this guy didn't even have the sense to give everyone a courtesy hike of the britches. Oh, and I forgot to mention, I was standing directly behind him in line. Not like I can just run and hide, as much as I wanted to...

Excuse me, I have to go puke now. And then take a shower. Buh.

I'm FULL of Christmas Spirit Today!

With the holidays barrelling down on me, I haven't had the time to think of new and exciting topics to write about. Many apologies. I'm done with school for the winter <does a little dance> but that hasn't quite freed up my schedule as I'd like... who needs a month "off" writing, addressing and stamping envelopes, buying and wrapping gifts, cooking and decorating? Ugh...

Don't get me wrong, I love the holidays. I've never understood the concept of Christmas cards. We've been talking about doing those photo cards for years but I have a confession... I hate them. Not because I don't care to receive them. It's just frustrating getting these really pretty pictures of friends and family that I can't just pop in a frame. I mean, I could... but that'd be a little weird. A wall full of framed Christmas cards wouldn't exactly go with my decor. And then there are the just plain weird photo cards that you just don't know what to do with. www.akwardfamilyphotos.com fixed this and gave us a place to put them. "Hey Martha, not only did we love your card, we put it online on this cool website for great pictures so we can see it whenever we want!"

And I'm convinced that the holidays bring out the nutbags in people. Perfect example- people who normally couldn't be green even if they were pukey or jealous suddenly start recycling EVERYTHING. My friend K-Mo told me a story about a person she knows who recycles wrapping paper. Like steams it off, irons the creases out and reuses it. Gift bags, I can understand. Those suckers are durable, they really weren't meant to be used only once. How this lady recycles paper is beyond me- I find it hard wrapping without tearing it when it's brand new. Bows, I can understand... to a point. Some of them just look like the skeletal remains of what were once bows. They are like .25, I know we're in a recession, but for the love of god, buy new ones. Don't get me started on tape... I have received a gift before where the tape had remnants of another design of wrapping paper stuck underneath it. It was a first, and a last, for that matter. But the fact remains that it has happened.

And people get ruthless with their shopping, which is also beyond me. There is a rather simple solution to this- online!!!!!! Typically the prices are better too. And they are delivered to your door, how much better could it be? Like I'm going to push and shove and run and get all tired so I can pay about the same that I would have online. That'd just be silly. It's not that I'm lazy. I'm busy. There's a big difference. The only day that would be worth it to brave the stores is Black Friday and I work every single one of those, not that I'm particularly torn up about that.

And people that are normally mild mannered and docile get so freaking impatient. They start honking their horns, making smart remarks and those annoying little noises that make everyone else just wanna slap them. Out of nowhere they become all in a hurry to get things done. Here's the thing- I'm like that all year round. I'm quick at getting things done, like grocery shopping in 20 minutes and 3 minutes in the Post Office. Hell, I even poop fast. I'm good at this because I do it all the time. I look at these nincompoops trying and failing to be fast and efficient and I just want to say: they are doing it wrong. There's a certain level of prep that has to be done in order to be fast and efficient in your every day life. For some reason people just don't get that.

While I'm thinking about shopping, I have to ask something that has been eating at me for years... why are gift cards so taboo for Christmas gifts? All I ever get for birthdays is gift cards and I have no complaints, they are handy. Whether it's a poorly thought out gift or a gift card, it still screams "I had no idea what to get you." At least a gift cards gets the point across that you accepted that fact and didn't lose any sleep over it. I'm actually pretty flattered when I'm given a gift card rather than an actual gift. This person just gave me free money to go to a store and spend however I want! And I get to pretend that I actually have money to spend for a change! It's like two gifts in one. Sure, I can always exchange the actual gift but that puts me in this scenario: now I've been given the "gift" of standing in that long line for an hour to return it for store credit because I wasn't given a gift receipt, all the while hopefully gazing at the people skipping into the store with their gift cards getting straight to business. Oh the agony. This makes no sense to me. Almost like they just want a boxed gift to be wrapped under the tree to add the the already over the top decor. There's a simple solution to this. You take a big box, throw in the gift card, stuff it with heavy objects or tissue paper, and wrap the damn thing. There. Now you have a nicely wrapped box to put under the tree.

If You're a Douche and You Know It Clap Your Hands

Today's entry was inspired by a story my friend told me. This probably won't be as funny coming from my mouth, but you'll get the gist of it. She was driving home from work and accidentally cut off another driver and was given the bird. That's not the funny part, though... the lady was driving a minivan decorated with antlers and a red nose. And it wasn't just a casual flip the bird and drive away, it was a two hander set. Apparently this lady took the holiday spirit of "two turtle doves" a bit too far.

Which brings me to today's point: When you're being douchey, you know it. When I'm in a pissy mood and feel like being a bitch, I am well aware of my actions. That doesn't happen often, but I've been known on occasion to express myself a bit more than I should. See November 21's post for proof of this. What is wrong with people? I just don't understand people that are nasty, know they are nasty, and don't give a rat's ass. I'm an honest person, whether I know you or not, but honesty doesn't have to come with bitchiness. The fact that people can be douchebags even during this time of year is beyond me. People should start checking their attitudes with their coats because I am over it. I have to be careful with this, because I'm likely to speak my mind about this at the most inopportune time, like oh, say... I don't know... at WORK!! That'd be a lovely Christmas present for my husband, I can hear how that conversation would pan out- "Hey hon, how was your day? You know how you always said you wanted me to be able to quit my job and do nothing but cook and clean and help take care of the family alllll day long? Well... MERRY CHRISTMAS!!" I'm not a very fast runner but I'm having a feeling I'd be working my best Sonic the Hedgehog impression.

I'm pretty sure these people are just like this because they think their shit don't stink, which again, confuses the hell out of me. How can people honestly think that they are THAT much better than the rest of the population? Do they honestly not see how that ridiculous that looks to everyone else? I've decided to be a smart ass and take this to the next level just to show them how silly it really is... I'm going to start carrying around little day glow cans of spray paint, and whenever I feel justified, I'm gonna write my name all over shit. Someone wants to cut me off going through the door? Um... no sir. I'll whip out my can and write my name on the damn door. Cutting me off on the road??! NO MA'AM!!!! I will stop this car, get out, and graffiti my name ALLLL over I-40. OOO and going to Christmas parties would be effing awesome, because if I want to monopolize the food table and take all the good shit all the while shooting nasty looks at peeps who think I should share, I'll just spray paint the entire table with my signature, food and all. A tad extreme, you say? I think we hit the extremist level about 3-4 decades ago. Because I honestly think that's the only way to show these people just what they look like. Stupid, immature, possessive, cocky, all of the above.

Bottom line- if you feel this amazing sense of entitlement, keep it to yourself. If it doesn't fit on your property, it's not yours. If it's in a public place, you have to share. If you honestly want a roadway to yourself, buy a segue and use sidewalks. No one uses those anymore anyway, have a ball, you're likely to have it all to yourself. If you ask for something and are told no, deal: if you had to ask, it was clearly out of your hands in the first place. If you just don't like someone, keep it to yourself, chances are the feeling is mutual. And in the off chance that the person you don't like is one of the .002% of the population that actually is entitled, you're going to look pretty silly, aren't ya?

My Daytrip to Hell

If someone had asked me five years ago what hell for me would be, I'd probably have said being stuck in Chuck E Cheese with my least favorite person in the world. And I'd probably have said the chances of that actually happening were slim to none. Which also goes to show that five years ago, I wasn't the brightest crayon in the box.

I was given the fun-filled, rare opportunity to live my hell yesterday. I dreaded it with a passion, but I survived. Barely. I went out on Saturday night to celebrate being done with my finals for the semester, and about 3 shots, 4 hurricanes and a couple of jokes about "bean dips" later, I was pretty hammered. And something about guys liking girls who can get themselves "wet." Someone misheard me, but I'm a pro at making completely innocent statements sound dirty. I'm pretty sure I said "guys like girls they can be themselves with." Eh whatever. It was funnier, and probably just as accurate of a statement.

Jump to the next morning. I woke up with the worst hangover I've had in a while. The "if I so much as blink, I'm gonna puke" kind. Ugh. I hadn't forgotten about my stepdaughter's fifth birthday party at Chuck E Cheese, I'm pretty sure I just planned on still being drunk from 11 to 1 the next day to maintain my way through. FYI, for anyone ever thinking about trying this- it backfired. Badly. I ended up sitting in the bathtub for 30 minutes eating a bowl of Cap'n Crunch. After 3 Excedrin, 2 prescription strength Naproxin Sodium and 1 prescription strength Ibuprofen, and about 2 gallons of water, I was feeling a bit more like myself. Disclosure: This isn't overdosing for me, far from it. I have a very high tolerance for pain meds, and believe me, it makes my life and managing pain pretty difficult. Back to the story...

So as if my previous opinion on hell wasn't bad enough, add a hangover to it, and it's downright excruciating. And I thought it couldn't get any worse than that! So now we have Chuck E Cheese and a hangover, now we're to the part about my least favorite person. My husband's ex-wife, my step daughter's mom, attended said party. Want to hear the effed up part? This was all my idea. I decided to be nice, because she'd recently lost a job (she would have quit after a few months anyway, in all fairness) and probably wouldn't have been able to throw her own party for their daughter like she normally does. And 5 is a pretty big birthday, I thought it'd be a nice gift for my stepdaughter to have both her parents in one place for longer than five minutes. So at this point, every part of my hell was a product of my own doing. Hangover- did it to myself. Arch nemesis- invited her. Oh, and the Chuck E Cheese part was my idea too. I must have a few screws loose, and a few more that weren't even there in the first place.

I made it out in one piece. The good news is that we had a lot of close friends there that knew my husband and this woman when they were together and through their divorce. They have good reasons for hating this woman. So I had a posse... and she got to hang out with the kids. Fair trade, I thought. The bitch hardly said a word to me, but the few that she did, I was polite. She said "could this be any more awkward?" and I told her "yes, yes it could." Hey, that's polite! I was nice enough to leave off the part about HOW it could be more awkward. Everyone could have told her what they thought about her. I am nice to this woman for no benefit of my own, but for my family. My step daughter doesn't need to be caught in the middle of a cat fight and my husband is the one who has to deal with her the most. I'm a more understanding woman than most would be in my position, I've earned the right to complain a bit. Example: When she decided to (temporarily, thought I didn't know that at the time) leave her boyfriend, I opened up my home and invited her to stay with us until she found a job and a place to live. That fell through, she went crawling back to him, but I was willing to do it. I felt the same way about her then as I do now. But it wasn't about me at that point, it was about my step daughter. But yeah... that's about 1% of the background of my relationship with her. I don't feel like going into the rest.

I've never been so happy to come home and do absolutely nothing. My nap on the couch almost had me 100% recovered.

Facebook Games: Dumb and Dumber

I'm going to pick up where I left off with my Facebook dos and don'ts. But I'm going to talk about one big annoyance rather than a whole list of them. These big status update games have got to go. Bra colors, where you put your purse, changing pictures to cartoon characters, messaging numbers to people to get them to tell you how they really feel about you... it's getting old. Really old.

It started with the damn bra colors for breast cancer awareness. I didn't fully understand the point of this. We're women, we have boobies. Of course we're against breast cancer. And I'm pretty sure 99% of the adult population is aware of breast cancer. Awareness isn't the goal, raising funds for research and to help find a cure is. How does me announcing my bra color to the world affect that? I participated in Walk for the Cure this year, and it's events like that that make a difference in stopping breast cancer. Sharing intimate details about my unmentionables doesn't make a difference. And the purse thing from this year? What does my purse and where I like to put it have with my boobies? If people just want to play these games, that's fine, but don't go claiming that it's for a good cause.

This cartoon character thing was very similar. Kind of redundant, actually. Very few people are actually going to be for child abuse. And if they are, do you really think they are going to label themselves by not changing their picture to make a statement? Nope. I saw a few people update their statuses encouraging others to change their pictures too and it said "every picture that's changed stops one child from being abused." Umm... forgive me but I don't get it. How is me changing my picture going to make some douchebag somewhere stop hitting his kid? It's not. It's bullshit. I mean, it was a sweet thought to change pictures to speak out against it, but not effective. I am all about volunteering and speaking out against things I feel are wrong, but these little Facebook games just aren't effective. Again, if you just want to do it for fun, do it. Don't go claiming it's for something special.

And last night this new thing started... Ugh. People were posting numbers and special messages for specific, unnamed people on their statuses. Apparently you send a random number to a person through a message and that person is supposed to post the number and their true feelings about you. I'm glad I never got one, I would have had fun with it and posted something like "4298: You're a douche. Everyone knows your a douche. Stop being so douchey." How about this, how about you send the response back in a private message!! If I don't know who or what you're talking about, I don't care to read it. Stop raping and trashing my news feed!! This stupid game blatantly violates my Facebook rules no. 1 & 2- Avoid "this is about YOU, but I'm not going to use your name" status updates and avoid status updates that are just notes to a specific person. Geez, people...

These aren't necessarily bad ideas, just poorly thought through ones. There was a twist on the concept of the cartoon pictures thing for Veteran's day and in my opinion, that was a MUCH better use of Facebook to make a point. People were changing their profile pictures to include a veteran close to their heart and I thought this was FANTASTIC!! There's really nothing to speak out for or against in this instance, it's just a really sweet way of saying "I love this person and they make me proud!" Take notes! This is how it's done! The doppelganger thing was good too, because it wasn't masquerading as something else. Saying "Hey, this is who I think I look like" can be entertaining at times. Bottom line: Facebook status/picture games are dumb. Wanna play a long, drawn out, boring game that loves to overstay it's welcome? Play Monopoly.

On a side note, I really do love to play Monopoly... Oh the irony!

Another Day at the Office

I realize that this blog has become a place for me to rant about my job, which I know probably makes for oh-so-stimulating reading. Yuck. But at the present, it's my favorite thing to rant about. So Merry Christmas to you too!

I have an "office," A.K.A. glorified cubicle. It's just a cubicle, but what makes mine glorified is that it's a lot bigger than most and has a pretty view. And for those of you who have lived on Mars your whole life and haven't seen a cubicle before, they don't have doors. Doors are such a valuable, precious commodity in this world and I've decided that there just aren't enough of them. Because people will come and stand in my "gap posing as doorway" and just stare. Which is fine, if I don't have a customer or if I'm off the phone. But if that's not the case... RUDE!!! If you go to the doctor, would you get upset if someone just came up and stood in the door waiting to get the doctor's attention? Especially if you have your junk hanging out? Um, yup. That's pretty disgusting to think about... Ew. Sorry mental picture people. People treat their money the same way they treat their hoohah. They don't like Hover McGee hanging around listening to them talk about their finances. And some just stand there for like 10 minutes!!! And I don't feel like a total bitch for ignoring them either because let's be honest- they'd get pissed if I went interrupting their time to deal with other customers. Undivided attention, people. We all want it. We like being the center of attention, it's human nature!

Another thing about my job I took notice of today... They've blocked YouTube!! They blocked Facebook last year, now they've blocked one of my last few forms of entertainment. Not that I spent all day on these websites, I still did my job when we had them, however it was nice to be able to take a second or two during my day for myself. This company has decided my sanity is not a priority, so we'll see how they like it when I make it my life's purpose to poo in every corner of the building I can find and run around like a naked baby while eating cardboard. At least this is what I imagine happens when responsible adults lose their minds. There are some blocked websites that I just don't fully understand the point of blocking. Email sites, like Gmail and Hotmail, are blocked. What is me checking my personal email at work going to hurt? They've just prompted me to use my work email for non-work related things. My entire family gets into these huge discussions all through work email. I'm good at tying up bandwidth, or whatever it is that stuff ties up. The email sites are actually functional to my customers, because sometimes the information I need to finish their transaction is in their email. No one ever believes me when I say that personal email is blocked, they just think I don't wanna share. That is NOT the case! That was the reason they couldn't check their email from my computer before it was blocked.

But yeah... this place is slowly making me want to shove my head in a meat grinder. And my boss wonders why I have a tendency to use up all my sick time throughout the year. I have to do his job AND mine, I get stressed out, stress leads to poor body function and ultimately, fatigue and lowered immunity. It's not exactly rocket science.

I'm Just a Big Ol' Doofus

I went to the very first First Friday at the new and improved Lox Salon on Friday night and it was awesome! I hadn't been to one in forever and I wouldn't miss this one for the world! That being said, it looks like that statement was put to the test by some higher power that night.

I work literally 5 minutes from the salon, and I headed that direction right after clocking out for the week. Apparently I missed a big memo about driving downtown that night- there was a Christmas parade. Oops, I guess that's what I get for not staying up with all the "family type" happenings of Knoxville. So I'm a crappy family person, sue me. I called Brynn to tell her I'd be there and she was super excited, I felt like such a good friend. And immediately like a pretty crappy friend for not having gone to one in forever. So anyway, here's where my determination was heavily tested- it took me 40 minutes to get there. In case you're illiterate to numbers, that's forty minutes. And parking was another story, there's a pay lot about 20 steps from the salon, so that's where I planned to park. I thought I was getting there early so I could beat the Friday night rush, go to Patrick Sullivan's for a quick beer and then head over. After realizing there's a parade going on and every single road I need to get there is blocked, I almost had to call Brynn back and cancel. For obvious reasons, I didn't want to do that. I finally found a parking lot about five minutes from the salon, not quite 20 steps, but it'll do. Or not- the spots were numbered and there were a few spots off to the side with black lines and no numbers. One would assume this is a no parking zone by those factors alone. If not, the lovely sign off to the right that says "No parking anytime, towing enforced" would do the trick. Other people did it, so it stands to reason that I did too. Paranoia set in big time. Worries about towing, ugly yellow boots and tickets began plaguing me almost immediately. I figured the parade could cause the situation to go one of two ways- first, because of the parade, the cops would have bigger fish to fry than my measly invented parking spot or two, the cops would have a field day with the parking because of the parade and would be out for blood. I chanced it. Truthfully, I couldn't have missed this event and it was worth the cost of a parking ticket to me.

The fun started when I got there. The parade started and some of us stood outside watching this nonsense go marching by. We had a big ol' barrel of monkeys laughing at the random people waving from the floats and waved back, yelling "Do I know you??" Oh dear, red wine, champagne and public events don't go together. And for some reason, I kept wanting to cry. I hate parades with a passion. Wanna know why? Because I was required to attend every single one in my hometown for 8 straight years. My brother's participating in the marching band was my first reason for going and then my own band mistake and dance team years took over from there. I hate parades. But for some reason, the nostalgia was overwhelming. Maybe because of the sentiments with Brynn's new salon helped with that, but I couldn't figure out why something I hate so much could cause me to be so emotional. Weird. The parade ended and I had the marvelous idea to move my car to a better spot as the traffic lightened up a bit. Background fact: The new Lox has stairs. The old one did not. Another factoid: I was wearing new heels. 4 inches of new heels, to be exact. So who decided it'd be quicker to take a tumbly down the stairs? Me. It hurt. Surprisingly my pride was pretty well intact afterwards. I landed on my feet and took a note from an old friend by pronouncing to the world "I'm OK!" to make it a tad funnier to those who saw it. I hate the "OMG are you okay?" questions because in reality, they are just doing it to make themselves feel better about laughing. Admit it, we all do it. We ask "are you okay?" and after the "yeah" comes, we think to ourselves "good, that makes me feel so much better about laughing at your clumsy ass." Yup, it hurt. Gots me a nice swollen bruise on my shin to show for it. But what did I do after the fact? Called my bestie to tell him alllll about it. Because I was laughing too!! Good thing I limped over there when I did, too. They were starting to tow when I got there. So after moving my car to one of those spots without black lines and with numbers, I went to pay for my parking spot at the little machine. I had to type in the number of my spot to prepay for it. It said there were no available rates for the spot. Maybe the person who parked there before me paid for a longer amount of time than they stayed, that was the only thing I could think of. So I moved my car, same result. I came to the conclusion that I am an idiot. I looked at the sign posted next the machine to pay and sure enough, city ordinance requires that all city lots be free for the nights and weekends. I thought for a second and realized it was indeed night time, and a weekend. I'm so observant. Not.

Talk about jumping through some hoops just to keep my word to a friend... I'm so glad I went, because it was a wonderful night, but OMG... I could have done without the traffic, injuries and illegal acts to get there. Just sayin'.

The rest of the night was pretty uneventful, it was a great night, but I hung up my doofus gloves for the remainder of the evening. The older I get, the more I realize how much I enjoy laughing at myself. Maybe this is the beginning stages of senility. Old people aren't nuts, they just realize how ridiculous it is to care about how you look and what everyone else thinks. It's much more fun to just enjoy the humor in it.

Top 10 of 2010

2010 is officially on its way out the door. I have to say, this year wasn't anywhere near as bad as 2009, 2008 and especially 2007. I was trying to design my super cute Christmas cards online the other day and it was about my top 10 moments of 2010. After trying every memory-stimulating technique known to man, I finally came up with 10 and I realized that this year was actually a pretty fanfreakingtastic year for me. And you know me... I'm gonna share.

1. No question about my number one moment of 2010- Jordan and I got hitched! We spent a year and half planning it and it took half a day to come and go. It was a beautiful wedding and it was small- the way I wanted it. I'm used to having a HUGE family and having people there that just take up space and eat the food just isn't my thing.
2. Big moment number 2- The Honeymoon!!! Many of you might be thinking this should be under the same listing as the wedding. Nope!!! 10 days in paradise deserve it's own listing! Isla Mujeres is officially my go-to vacation spot. The hotel was amazing, the island was beautiful and I had the best time of my life! I can't wait to go back!
3. Papa Ford and Stephen's motorcycle trip to Knoxville is a big one for me! We went to a rally in Chattanooga, the Jack Daniels Distillery and rode the Dragon's Tail in Gatlinburg. My butt has never been so sore but it was SO worth it! And these are two of my most favorite men in my life so it couldn't have been a better week!
4. Elizabeth is turning five this year, and that's going to be a big one! We're having the party at Chuck E Cheese's in two weeks and she's super pumped! Her mom is coming, which I'm less than excited about, but it's for Elizabeth and she almost never has both parents in the same place. It's a big year for her so why not...
5. My big brother finally married Emily! That was an awesome wedding!! I've never cried at a wedding before, not even my own. I boohooed my little heart out. My brother and I are much closer than most siblings and I've never trusted girls to treat him right because they never have. I'm glad Emily proved me wrong on that note, I was a heartbeat away from locking him in a box before she came along.
6. Our St. Patty's Day party!!! This is officially an annual thing now! It was awesome, I cooked a bunch of traditional Irish food, including homemade Irish Cream!! The green beer idea sorta fizzled, note to self- liquid drop food coloring, NOT gel. Brynn and I invented "champ-pong" because the idea of beer at this point was less than appetizing. It was a blast!
7. Jordan and Elizabeth got to take an impromptu trip to Wichita Falls, TX to see his grandmother and some of his family. He loves all of his family, but he really has a special bond with Grandma Egg and she couldn't make it to the wedding. He had a great time and I'm glad that he got the chance to go, one of those things that makes my heart smile.
8. Jordan went to California for the first time ever! I'd been several times in my life and always took that for granted. He didn't, he was STOKED about the trip! He taught me to appreciate the little things.
9. I made a bunch of new friends this year! We've already made tons of good memories and there are still many more to come!
10. Umm... who says I need 10?? I still have 31 days left of the year, something big and exciting is bound to happen!!

I've already got boo coos of stuff planned for 2011 that I'm already looking forward to, but we'll come back to that in about a year or so! I'm not a superstitious person, but I don't want to jinx anything! If all goes as planned, 2011 will have me bouncing off the walls! (More so than usual, anyway...)