There have been a lot of funny things going on lately that I just couldn't possibly make up. So story time- I had to share!
First story- recall how I've been on this amazing diet and have lots bunches of weight (30 pounds, woohoo!) A byproduct of this is that my clothes no longer fit as snug as they once did. I'm not quite done with my weight loss yet so I don't see the point in buying new clothes at this point. But I am running out of things to wear. I went to play tennis last Monday with a dear friend and put on some stretchy pants. I figured they stretch wider, so they might shrink a bit with the smaller waist? Eh, my logic is usually flawed anyway. I'm going after this killer shot and hauling ass across the court to get it. I feel some weird action going on around my hips and glance down to see what's going on. MY PANTS WERE FALLING OFF!!! I gave up the ball, because I clearly had a bigger crisis at this point, and took care of it. They didn't fall all the way off, I stopped them right underneath my bum, but here's the kicker. Because again, you just can't make this shit up. I NEVER wear thongs on the reasoning that wedgies belong on fat pimply kids in middle school. It's just uncomfortable. I wear boy shorts. For SOME reason on this day, for the first time in over a year, I wore a thong. And we don't play at some fancy tennis club, we play at a public park surrounded by houses, so it's anyone's guess how many people saw my goodies. And because of my choice of unmentionables for the day, they got a much better show than they would have normally. Yeah... good feeling but also pretty embarrassing.
Second story- last Wednesday, I gave my last speech of the semester. I'm taking online classes so I have to record the speeches and submit them that way. Same friend from the tennis game allowed me to use her salon as the speaking location for it and I spoke for her, another friend and some employees there. I had to do this because of stupid reasons for the class. My topic was a demonstration speech on how to make my killer salsa. One of her first questions when she agreed to let me do this- "Will it make a mess?" I assured her it wouldn't. But this is my life we're talking about, there are no guarantees. When we got there, as I was setting up, I noticed that the plastic base of the blender pitcher was cracking and breaking. I was worried, but put it on the machine base and tried it out. Seemed to work fine, so I figured I'd dodged a bullet. Made it through the speech and the blender performed perfectly. Camera off, assignment done. I let down my guard too soon. Note about my salsa- it usually takes 2 blender loads to finish it all. I'd only done the one load on the speech tape, which was a good call on my part. Because when I went to finish the second load, as I picked the blender up to pour it out, that plastic base literally disintegrated. In case you were wondering if that plastic part has a job other than locking the blender pitcher in place, it really does. It's the ENTIRE bottom of the damn pitcher. What happens when it breaks and you try to lift it up? Kinda like the bottom of a bucket disappearing when it's full of water. Comes GUSHING out the bottom. My friend I'd brought with me scooped his hands underneath to make almost a bowl around the bottom, but it didn't do much. Like a band-aid on a bullet hole. Ugh. Went EVERYWHERE!! I felt horrible because what did I ASSURE my lovely salon owner friend beforehand? It would NOT make a mess!!!! She was understanding, thankfully, and even got a good laugh out of it. And I left the salsa with some chips there for her, the employees and clients to munch on throughout the day. So I sweetened the pot a bit. But yeah. If something can go horribly wrong for me, it usually does. Who would have thought this type of dilemma would happen outside of my home? My blender has never been used anywhere other than my kitchen, and it waits until we're somewhere else to go kaput. This just further solidifies my theory that inanimate objects really are out to get me.
So yeah... not huge stories, but the kind of situations where I couldn't help but laugh at myself.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Life's a Big, Complicated Game of Telephone
I'd really be interested in finding out if there's ever been research on what engineers us to be nosey creatures. It seems like everywhere you can look, there's some form of curiosity about everyone else's business.
Take Facebook for example- a good majority of the peeps on Facebook have hundreds of friends. HUNDREDS!! I even know a few people with a thousand. Now there are a few exceptions to the "curiosity" rule, like the people who just really want a big number, or the people that are local celebrities that get friend requests every day from people they've come across. But what's the reasoning for the rest of us? I have 241 friends on facebook and I can honestly say that I regularly interact with about 50, whether it's in person or over the phone. I can honestly say I've added some of the bitches and assholes I knew in high school just to satisfy my curiosity to see if they grew up to be adult bitches and assholes. Come on, admit it- you've done the same at least once.
And tabloids? Seriously. Even People has turned into one, it's just a fancier tabloid. Why do we HAVE to know what goes on in the lives of celebrities. Does it really matter that Kirstie Alley has gained all her weight back? Or that Lindsay Lohan has yet again screwed up? Not really. We just need to know.
Going back to Facebook, status updates have almost become a new way to gossip. Someone posts a cryptic update? If you don't comment on it asking for more information, you're probably going to call your mutual friends and ask if they know what's up. Or if the status update is straight forward, or if a relationship status changes, you'll probably start the gossip phone tree about that one too. We've all done it some point or another. Nosey, much?
I really do have a theory that there is something about our genetic engineering that makes us curious. It starts early and every kid goes through a "why?" stage. Take my stepdaughter for example. If I put on my shoes to go outside for something, or talk about my plans for the day, she's gotta know what I'm doing, where I'm going and why. Of course she's too young at five to understand gossip or really have an interest in it. But something in her head makes her need to know for her own sake.
And there's another side of gossip that confuses me even more that doesn't entirely apply to everyone. There are some people that just enjoy being the center of attention that thrive on people talking about them. It's almost like creating yourself into a mini-celebrity. Positive, negative and neutral attention is still attention so they take what they can get. I just don't understand it. What hey, whatever toots your flute.
Not a big entry today, just something that I've often wondered about. I'm just curious about what makes us curious. Ironic!!
Friday, March 25, 2011
The Long Awaited Long Story
I'm going to start this with a disclaimer- some parts of this story took place almost a year ago and most of it about 3 months ago, so my facts might be a little fuzzy! I've been sort of putting off telling it, just because the last thing I want in my life right now is reminders of all that stress.
OK, backstory time. Almost a year ago, I believe it was late April, my boss and I started having some... clashes. I could never figure out if it was my boss or the company, but he would always hound me on doing things and dealing with people exactly the way that he would. Apparently he felt I should stand and shake the customer's hand when greeting them. I'm sorry, but no one has ever stood to greet me, and whenever I did it, it was awkward. It just wasn't natural. And I don't touch strangers, that's just gross... I figured it was best to be myself because the customers always seemed to like it, he was the only person that seemed to have an issue with it. Apparently I should have just done it and shut up, because he wrote me up for it. I didn't even think it was possible to get written up for not standing and shaking a customer's hand, but you could. So yeah, that was the beginning to a very long and painful end. I just couldn't believe he didn't tell me before "hey, you really need to start doing this, because FYI- I'm supposed to write you up if you don't." No warning, no nothing, which I would have expected of him because we were friends at one point.
Fast forward to December: I've never been good at keeping my emotions in, and between April and the end of the year, he just kept nitpicking about the little things. My sales were pretty good, I wasn't habitually late, I didn't break any rules, I just didn't do things the way he wanted them. Which fascinated me because the place was falling apart around him, and he wanted to focus on my little booboos?? Right, that's responsible management. At the end of the day on the Friday before Christmas, I just lost it and told him how I was the only person with enough balls there to tell him I thought he sucked at his job and how much I despised my life working there. With as much emotion as I've ever shown. Luckily, he was on vacation the following week, so I had a week without him. I spent it wisely as I'd come to the conclusion that it was time to start seriously pursuing another job. I put in about 30 applications in that week and started laying the groundwork for my departure. I felt bad about my behavior, but this was the only way I could make it right because my hatred for my boss could not have been corrected. He was a douche, and I was not the only person who felt that way.
Skip to the first Monday he was back. I was dreading it, because I wasn't sure how the day would go seeing as it was the first day to work with him since my... outburst. We stayed out of each other's way the entire day, which was fine by me. At the end of the day, he brought the assistant manager over (who had my back anyway, we'd talked while he was gone, so his attempt at whatever was pretty useless) to serve me with a final write up. Basically a "you-screw-up-just-once-on-any-of-these-things-and-you'll-get-canned" notice. Now most employers require a first write up before a final write up. So he tied the previous write up from EIGHT months before into it just so he had justification to do so, even though it had nothing to do with the current situation. Disrespect, sure. Give me a brand new write up. Don't tie in a previous issue that isn't even part of the current situation. He also tied other things into it that had never been brought up before, so I was even more convinced he just wanted to get rid of me. I didn't really want to work with him anymore either, but he was the only one with the power to change that. Sure I could have quit, but need I remind you- I was trying to! I came home and wrote up my two weeks notice, as I was sure I was being set up to be fired. I wasn't about to lose 5 years of job history over being fired for some stupid, minute thing. So I gave it to him the next morning. Now let's pause for a second: a problem that I had with this man was that he didn't practice the 360 degree coaching the company clearly outlined. Basically a teller could "coach" the CEO on something that could be done better. Well he never practiced it. He claimed I didn't take coaching well, which wasn't entirely accurate. I worked at it and I had improved how I took coaching. He, on the other hand, deflected it with "coaching" of his own. He always had to have the upper hand. Which made me super unhappy with my job because the things I'd ask him to change were things that made my job almost unbearable, but he didn't care. Back to the story: when I handed him my two weeks notice, I told him he'd be well served to start listening to his employees better because they weren't happy, and I wasn't just talking about myself. I was nice about it this time, telling him that the branch would start performing where they should if the employees were happy, which they weren't. I was mostly looking out for my friends I was leaving behind at the shit hole. His response? Deflection. He said he'd received feedback from other associates, saying that they complained about how I took coaching too. I let it go, but in my head I was screaming Bullshit!!! Four of the employees had never coached me, one rarely did and we had an awesome mutual coaching relationship and the other and I never had problems either. So he was just lying for lack of a better "deflection" method. I just walked away.
On top of it, he knew I was leaving because of him and he announced the VERY next morning after my last day that he was transferring to another branch. Yeah, not to go all four year old on you, but... he did it on purpose. I don't think the transfer was his choice and I think the market team (his bosses) finally started listening to the fact that my branch really couldn't stand him.
Could I have done things differently? Sure. I learned a lot from the experience, see the post for December 29, 2010. I take full responsibility for my "outburst" but I feel that my boss could have actually looked after his employees a little better than he did. That place was a living hell for me, and he couldn't have cared less. He was almost malicious at times. He took pleasure in knowing his employees were miserable because he took already bad situations and made them worse and said we'd have to learn to deal with it. I even caught him smiling about it at times. He was a terrible supervisor, it was like giving a 16 year old boy a place to run and saying "do this however you want to." He'll get his one day, and I sure as hell don't want to be around when that happens, I just take comfort in knowing it will.
I really am better for this situation. I don't have a job, but I really don't need one. I'm focusing on school and my house and so far, things are looking pretty good. Regardless of my mistakes in the situation, I feel like I came out on top, because I really was the lesser of the evils, so to speak.
OK, backstory time. Almost a year ago, I believe it was late April, my boss and I started having some... clashes. I could never figure out if it was my boss or the company, but he would always hound me on doing things and dealing with people exactly the way that he would. Apparently he felt I should stand and shake the customer's hand when greeting them. I'm sorry, but no one has ever stood to greet me, and whenever I did it, it was awkward. It just wasn't natural. And I don't touch strangers, that's just gross... I figured it was best to be myself because the customers always seemed to like it, he was the only person that seemed to have an issue with it. Apparently I should have just done it and shut up, because he wrote me up for it. I didn't even think it was possible to get written up for not standing and shaking a customer's hand, but you could. So yeah, that was the beginning to a very long and painful end. I just couldn't believe he didn't tell me before "hey, you really need to start doing this, because FYI- I'm supposed to write you up if you don't." No warning, no nothing, which I would have expected of him because we were friends at one point.
Fast forward to December: I've never been good at keeping my emotions in, and between April and the end of the year, he just kept nitpicking about the little things. My sales were pretty good, I wasn't habitually late, I didn't break any rules, I just didn't do things the way he wanted them. Which fascinated me because the place was falling apart around him, and he wanted to focus on my little booboos?? Right, that's responsible management. At the end of the day on the Friday before Christmas, I just lost it and told him how I was the only person with enough balls there to tell him I thought he sucked at his job and how much I despised my life working there. With as much emotion as I've ever shown. Luckily, he was on vacation the following week, so I had a week without him. I spent it wisely as I'd come to the conclusion that it was time to start seriously pursuing another job. I put in about 30 applications in that week and started laying the groundwork for my departure. I felt bad about my behavior, but this was the only way I could make it right because my hatred for my boss could not have been corrected. He was a douche, and I was not the only person who felt that way.
Skip to the first Monday he was back. I was dreading it, because I wasn't sure how the day would go seeing as it was the first day to work with him since my... outburst. We stayed out of each other's way the entire day, which was fine by me. At the end of the day, he brought the assistant manager over (who had my back anyway, we'd talked while he was gone, so his attempt at whatever was pretty useless) to serve me with a final write up. Basically a "you-screw-up-just-once-on-any-of-these-things-and-you'll-get-canned" notice. Now most employers require a first write up before a final write up. So he tied the previous write up from EIGHT months before into it just so he had justification to do so, even though it had nothing to do with the current situation. Disrespect, sure. Give me a brand new write up. Don't tie in a previous issue that isn't even part of the current situation. He also tied other things into it that had never been brought up before, so I was even more convinced he just wanted to get rid of me. I didn't really want to work with him anymore either, but he was the only one with the power to change that. Sure I could have quit, but need I remind you- I was trying to! I came home and wrote up my two weeks notice, as I was sure I was being set up to be fired. I wasn't about to lose 5 years of job history over being fired for some stupid, minute thing. So I gave it to him the next morning. Now let's pause for a second: a problem that I had with this man was that he didn't practice the 360 degree coaching the company clearly outlined. Basically a teller could "coach" the CEO on something that could be done better. Well he never practiced it. He claimed I didn't take coaching well, which wasn't entirely accurate. I worked at it and I had improved how I took coaching. He, on the other hand, deflected it with "coaching" of his own. He always had to have the upper hand. Which made me super unhappy with my job because the things I'd ask him to change were things that made my job almost unbearable, but he didn't care. Back to the story: when I handed him my two weeks notice, I told him he'd be well served to start listening to his employees better because they weren't happy, and I wasn't just talking about myself. I was nice about it this time, telling him that the branch would start performing where they should if the employees were happy, which they weren't. I was mostly looking out for my friends I was leaving behind at the shit hole. His response? Deflection. He said he'd received feedback from other associates, saying that they complained about how I took coaching too. I let it go, but in my head I was screaming Bullshit!!! Four of the employees had never coached me, one rarely did and we had an awesome mutual coaching relationship and the other and I never had problems either. So he was just lying for lack of a better "deflection" method. I just walked away.
On top of it, he knew I was leaving because of him and he announced the VERY next morning after my last day that he was transferring to another branch. Yeah, not to go all four year old on you, but... he did it on purpose. I don't think the transfer was his choice and I think the market team (his bosses) finally started listening to the fact that my branch really couldn't stand him.
Could I have done things differently? Sure. I learned a lot from the experience, see the post for December 29, 2010. I take full responsibility for my "outburst" but I feel that my boss could have actually looked after his employees a little better than he did. That place was a living hell for me, and he couldn't have cared less. He was almost malicious at times. He took pleasure in knowing his employees were miserable because he took already bad situations and made them worse and said we'd have to learn to deal with it. I even caught him smiling about it at times. He was a terrible supervisor, it was like giving a 16 year old boy a place to run and saying "do this however you want to." He'll get his one day, and I sure as hell don't want to be around when that happens, I just take comfort in knowing it will.
I really am better for this situation. I don't have a job, but I really don't need one. I'm focusing on school and my house and so far, things are looking pretty good. Regardless of my mistakes in the situation, I feel like I came out on top, because I really was the lesser of the evils, so to speak.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
My Fat Can't Take a Hint... It's NOT Welcome!!
OK so today is officially my first day of my third week on phentermine. Again, I was an idiot and didn't weigh myself on my own scale before I started the diet, so according to the "probably-calibrated-WAY-different-than-the-doctor's" scale I have at home, I've lost about 15 pounds. Seems like a lot, I know. But then again I weighed on my doctor's scale at 4 PM after Burger King fries and a Dr. Pepper when I'd normally weigh myself first thing in the morning after a tinkle. So yeah, it's probably not quite that much but it's all I have to go on for now so I'm going to take it.
And ironically enough, I get a coupon this morning from Chili's for free chips and queso. Um, thanks guys, but not gonna happen for a while. I'm going through a lot of feelings right now, excitement to be done with this diet so I can go back to a semblance of a normal life and dread that unfortunately, things won't ever be the same as before. I hate that I can't go grab a bite and a few drinks with friends right now. I probably cooould, but I really couldn't. I'm not trusting my self discipline yet and alcohol is just out of the question for the time being. I don't need those empty calories putting off another day. I know I'll be able to eat the same things I did before, however no where near as often as I did. And with a bit of physical exercise too. And for those of you who don't know me well, I don't like change. It's going to be hard. Very hard. But I think once I've lost like 50 pounds it'll be way easier to make myself keep it off. Sure, I'll be able to justify pigging out sometimes because I'll be nice and skinny, but gaining 5 pounds is likely to scare the shit out of me. I've been heavy for a while now, and over my dead body will I ever come back to it.
So back to the subject for today- diet plateaus. Yeah, I know they are normal and they pop their ugly face up every once in a while. But they suck. This phentermine drug is supposed to make you not hungry and due to the research I did beforehand, it's not unusual and actually kind of normal to lose something every day or every other day, even if it's just half a pound. I've weighed about the same since Saturday, up until this morning, I'm down about another half a pound. Which again, is normal for dieting and is probably a good thing, but it is discouraging. It makes me want to break down and cry and have a bacon cheeseburger and a vanilla shake to drown my sorrows. Because on top of it all, I've been eating WAY less the last few days. My bestie Leslie was in town and we were busy and I just forgot to eat some days, and my body didn't complain. You'd think the pounds would have fallen off. But I guess not, so today, I'm eating a bit more and going to do some crunches/push-ups/leg lifts and what not later to kick up the exercise. Moral of the story- eating less doesn't necessarily mean you're losing more, it turns out.
I'm learning an awful lot about my body right now, too. When I first saw my doctor for this, she measured my waist at 38 inches. If I am measuring it in the same spot she did, which I believe I am now 34 inches. But I'm wearing 31 inch waist jeans, and they are pretty big, I need a belt with them, so I could really not even be doing it right. Eh, I dunno. But the point is, I'm losing weight and I can see it! And it seems like my body takes weight from my waist first, which is fabulous. I had a waistline before, but now it's getting much more defined and I feel feminine again!
For those of you who worry that I'm simply relying on phentermine to lose the weight, that's so not true. It's taken me a bit, but I've "perfected" my diet routine and found what works for me. Here's pretty much what my diet looks like (Some old news, some new. Bear with me):
And ironically enough, I get a coupon this morning from Chili's for free chips and queso. Um, thanks guys, but not gonna happen for a while. I'm going through a lot of feelings right now, excitement to be done with this diet so I can go back to a semblance of a normal life and dread that unfortunately, things won't ever be the same as before. I hate that I can't go grab a bite and a few drinks with friends right now. I probably cooould, but I really couldn't. I'm not trusting my self discipline yet and alcohol is just out of the question for the time being. I don't need those empty calories putting off another day. I know I'll be able to eat the same things I did before, however no where near as often as I did. And with a bit of physical exercise too. And for those of you who don't know me well, I don't like change. It's going to be hard. Very hard. But I think once I've lost like 50 pounds it'll be way easier to make myself keep it off. Sure, I'll be able to justify pigging out sometimes because I'll be nice and skinny, but gaining 5 pounds is likely to scare the shit out of me. I've been heavy for a while now, and over my dead body will I ever come back to it.
So back to the subject for today- diet plateaus. Yeah, I know they are normal and they pop their ugly face up every once in a while. But they suck. This phentermine drug is supposed to make you not hungry and due to the research I did beforehand, it's not unusual and actually kind of normal to lose something every day or every other day, even if it's just half a pound. I've weighed about the same since Saturday, up until this morning, I'm down about another half a pound. Which again, is normal for dieting and is probably a good thing, but it is discouraging. It makes me want to break down and cry and have a bacon cheeseburger and a vanilla shake to drown my sorrows. Because on top of it all, I've been eating WAY less the last few days. My bestie Leslie was in town and we were busy and I just forgot to eat some days, and my body didn't complain. You'd think the pounds would have fallen off. But I guess not, so today, I'm eating a bit more and going to do some crunches/push-ups/leg lifts and what not later to kick up the exercise. Moral of the story- eating less doesn't necessarily mean you're losing more, it turns out.
I'm learning an awful lot about my body right now, too. When I first saw my doctor for this, she measured my waist at 38 inches. If I am measuring it in the same spot she did, which I believe I am now 34 inches. But I'm wearing 31 inch waist jeans, and they are pretty big, I need a belt with them, so I could really not even be doing it right. Eh, I dunno. But the point is, I'm losing weight and I can see it! And it seems like my body takes weight from my waist first, which is fabulous. I had a waistline before, but now it's getting much more defined and I feel feminine again!
For those of you who worry that I'm simply relying on phentermine to lose the weight, that's so not true. It's taken me a bit, but I've "perfected" my diet routine and found what works for me. Here's pretty much what my diet looks like (Some old news, some new. Bear with me):
- I wake up and eat breakfast (or lunch, if I've slept in, like today). Breakfast is usually a bowl of cereal or weight control oatmeal, a small glass of milk and grapes or yogurt. Or if it's lunch, about 8 oz. of a low sodium, healthy soup and a side dish and water.
- I've quit sodas and alcohol while I'm dieting, which I've mentioned before, but I'm sticking with it. I've started treating myself every once in a while with a packet of crystal light, but not very often. I know it's not that bad for you but my mom drank it religiously and had problems with it so I've learned from her experience that it's better in moderation.
- Anyone who's been on a diet knows that it's not uncommon to have... "regularity" issues. So I'm making sure I get a full days serving of Benefiber, which has helped. Eating fewer simple carbs has certainly affected my fiber intake, so this has really helped a lot.
- I've been keeping a diet journal. I record the date, what I eat, what kind of physical exercise I did, what time I took my pill and how much I weighed, if there was a significant change since my last weigh in. I don't really review it all that often so that part doesn't really help, but it does help with accountability. I've become ritualistic about recording what goes in my body and if I don't do it, it bothers the hell out of me. Who knew my anal/retentive side would pay off one day?? Since I know I've gotta write it down, I've gotta eat well. I want to feel good about what I'm writing down.
- I'm taking Women's One A Day Active Metabolism. Is it helping? I haven't a clue. But it certainly can't hurt. Multi-vitamins are goooood. If they had a weight loss for women one in those new gummy ones, I'd use them. I've yet to look but they probably don't. Oh well.
- I'm also using Jergens Skin Firming lotion every day on problem areas, like my stomach/sides, upper arms and thighs. It says it reduces cellulite, but also improves elasticity. My skin has been pretty stretched out for a while and I want it to snap back as easily as possible, because this particular diet has me losing pretty fast and I don't want my skin to look like poo as a result. Again, is it working? I feel like it is but it's pretty hard to tell. I'm not obese, just overweight, so my skin might have snapped back well on it's own but I'm not leaving anything to chance.
- I'm avoiding simple carbs and sticking with the complex ones. I'm also eliminating sodium and sucrose (sugar... the bad kind. Fructose is sugar from fruit and glucose is sugar that our body creates.) I'm sticking with a sodium free salt substitute and Splenda. They are helping beautifully.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Guilt Free Tiny Clouds of Deliciousness
With a full week of dieting under my belt, I'm proud to say I've lose 11 pounds. Granted, I've cut sodas and alcohol which used to be a regular part of my routine so that's probably a large part of it. I've been trying to cook and eat more at home because I know exactly what's in it and I can keep track of my diet better.
The hardest part is finding foods that I like that can eat to replace previous cravings. Like chips. BIG problem for me. So I wondered what I would need to get the crispy, saltiness that I craved in chips. I found this really promising recipe for radish chips. I do love radishes, so it sounded perfect. Um, not so much. They are the hardest things to dry out and "crisp." They came out soggier than they went in.
I'm not much of a sugar person, but every now and then I get this INSANE drive for sugar. Like a light sugar cookie or something. This diet has been hell for that. I've been eating white grapes to satisfy my sweet tooth, but unfortunately a fruit allergy keeps me from having very many. That, and white grapes are kind of a medium-level carb on the glycemic index. For the beginning at least, I'm trying to keep to the complex carbs. Anywho, I found this recipe for mini- meringues. I've never had one or really even heard of one, I always thought it was just a pie topping. Turns out if you bake just the egg whites with some sugar and vanilla, they turn into these delicious little crunchy things that melt in your mouth like cotton candy. If you've had one before, just hush and let me enjoy my description for those that haven't. I know I'm probably jumping on the meringue train a little late but whatever. Anyway, they are amazing little clouds of deliciousness. If one could eat a cloud on a pretty day, this is what it would taste like. I thought I'd share the recipe for those of you who are dieting and need a sugar high or have plain never tried one. Don't worry, I dissect the baking lingo at the end for the non-kitchen friendly folks out there. Trust me, ANYONE can make it.
- 2 egg whites
- 1/2 cup of sugar (you'll want to use Splenda if you're dieting or watching your sugar)
- 1 tsp. vanilla extract (or almond, it's whatever)
- Preheat the oven to 250 degrees. Beat the egg whites until they are stiff, but not dry (whatever that means). Gradually stir in the sugar, until smooth and not gritty.
- Stir in the extract by hand. Cover a baking sheet with parchment paper. Spoon (or pipe, if you're fancy-pantsy) small amounts (like a tablespoon, you can go smaller but you'd have to adjust the baking times and keep an eye on them!!) onto the parchment paper.
- Bake for 25 minutes. It may vary depending on your oven so keep an eye on them. They should turn a nice golden color and feel smooth and hard on the surface.
OK, to see if the egg whites are stiff, lift the beater and if a "peak" forms and stays, they are stiff. You can add all kinds of spices like cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice, etc. into the batter or sprinkle on top. You can also make a cream cheese filling and make meringue-sandwiches. Keeping an eye on these suckers is important, if you overcook them, they burn. If you undercook them, they are more gooey inside. Which is fine if that's what you were going for, buuuut not my preference. Spooning them is not very pretty, so if you're going for 10's in presentation, you can pipe them, or if you're not so fancy or experienced in that sort of thing, try this- take a ziploc bag, fill it with the batter, cut a hole in a bottom corner and squeeze it out into drops. Might take practice, but it makes for prettier drops.
So yeah, as I find more recipes that work for me, I will certainly post them. This makes eating right and losing weight a little easier for me, anyway.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Day 3
OK so today is probably another more serious, boring post. But I don't care, I'm friggin' excited. On Tuesday, I finally threw in the towel on my weight. Seriously. I've been over it for a while, but I'm finally really doing something about it. If the first words that come to your mind are "OMG don't do it, you don't have to! You look great!" then please save them. Thanks, but no thanks. I'm not happy with it. Most of those close to me aren't happy with it. So ya know what that tells me? FIX IT!!
Before I tell you just how I'm losing it, let me start by telling you what I've tried thus far. A million years ago, I tried Quick Weight Loss Centers. I don't remember much about it other than it was very complicated, a lot of measuring and counting and cooking. I was in high school at this point, and it may have lasted about a week. I was just too busy for it to stick. In my experience, these kinds of diets don't usually work. They do for some but successful, permanent change is something for a lot of people that needs to be eased into. These kinds of programs go against that for the most part. More power to you if you can do it, but not everyone can.
Nutrisystem, that shit with all the boring commercials featuring hot, hot stars like Dan Marino... ugh. I have used this program twice. It was very much like Quick Weight Loss Centers, lots of counting, lots of measuring... but no cooking. The entrees for every meal, including snacks, are all mailed to you in this big ol' box. You have to add precisely measured side dishes of certain food groups to each meal, which is the biggest pain in the ass. But it was a bit easier and it worked. I lost about 20 pounds the first time. The second time, they changed something about the food. The first time I tried it, most of it was okay, some of it was gross but I just didn't eat that stuff. When I ordered it about 2 years after the first time, ALL OF IT tasted like yuckitypoopoo. I dove straight into the dishes I remembered had been tasty. Not so much, even those reliable fall backs were disgusting. So needless to say, what used to work will not always work.
Alli. For those of you who are lucky enough to never have tried this product, let me dissect it for you. The books that come with it explain that a good target fat intake is 3 grams of fat or less per 100 calories in a food item. The bottle clearly states to not eat too much fat. Or else. You had to find out the hard way what happens when you do eat more than that. I'll enlighten you- you poop this really nasty bright orange oil. Oh and it also has a tendency to come out when you fart. Well, what am I super good at? Farting. Yeah, I'm not ashamed, I learned the hard way. Overall, it's an effective plan. BUT it's just a pill with some books and an online site to track your progress. So, we're back to cooking and measuring and counting. This ones a bit easier because there are quite a few good foods that fall into that 3g of fat/100 calorie range but it was still high maintenance. You had to figure most of it out on your own.
I also tried just plain calorie counting and exercise, the longtime proven method for weight loss. But I have no self discipline, and I'm a boredom eater. So this technique just made me tired and hungry and I couldn't stick with it for more than 3 weeks at a time.
I also tried South Beach for like a week. Yuck. That's all I have to say. Another high maintenance one.
Weight loss techniques are different for everyone, if there was a tried-and-true method for everyone, we'd have no obesity problems. I had to find what works for me. Which brings me to what I am currently using. Phentermine. I'm on my 3rd day, and so far, so good. I'm hardly ever hungry, which was my biggest problem. Sitting down with a bag of tortilla chips no longer appeals to me. Which was the plan. A lot of people are against this pill, and I understand why. However, I am using it under a doctor's close supervision and she's helping me learn how to eat right, period. Not just on a diet, but for good. Which is what I needed. I've yet to have any heart racing issues, which is the biggest reported problem on this pill. I'm keeping a close eye on it every day and so far, this seems to be a good method for me. Let me be clear on one thing- I don't condone using pills, and especially this pill, as a first choice for weight loss. I tried a lot of stuff several times before resorting to this. And I have tried to be happy with my weight as is. But I'm not healthy, and that's the biggest part. If this were just my body and if I'd looked like this my whole life, I might be more content with it. But this weight gain is recent and bottom line, I'm not happy with it.
The biggest part of why the counting, measuring and cooking methods don't work for me is simple- my life has always been governed by food. When I'm eating next, where we're eating out, what I'm going to pig out on when I get a night to myself. And the previously mentioned methods of weight loss are pretty much the same thing- my life revolving around food. Not in the same way, but my life would revolve around all the measuring and counting and cooking. And as much as that may sound like a good thing for me, because my life would still revolve around food, it's really not. I want to let go of my grip on food and live my life. Food just needs to fit into that life. As it's convenient for me. The first full day I took the pill, I cannot even describe the happiness I felt, because for the first day in my life that I can remember, I was not thinking about food. And it was amazing!
Another thing about this pill is that when you're off of it, the appetite does come back. But I'm trying to instill rules for myself now and rules for myself for after that I can stick with the make sure I keep it off. For my diet, I've cut sodas and alcohol out completely. My doctor has a great diet rule- don't drink your calories. When I'm off the diet, I just won't keep sodas in the house. On the few (and reduced times) that I go out to eat after the diet, I will have a soda then. But not in the house. And my drinking will be heavily reduced as well, which I feel is just smart anyway, aside from the diet. So yeah, it's a work in progress, but these are realistic rules I can set for myself and stick with. I think I've got a good handle on it.
One might say, "You've lost weight on those plans before, why don't you think they are successful?" I never hit my target weight. I was so overwhelmed by the programs that I would rather quit than keep going. I wasn't happy, I was stressed and irritable. I stopped being excited about losing weight and figured that I could learn to be happy with the weight I had gotten to. It will happen this time, dammit. I'm at the highest weight I've ever been and I'm just not physically comfortable with my weight. Self conscious, yes, but I am physically uncomfortable with my weight. Like I don't fit into my skin. It's hard to get comfortable and relax, and that's another wake up call I've had.
I'm also on a reward system for myself for when I do hit my target weight. I'm pretty much going all out on a make over. There's a long list of things that I will do when I've lost the weight that I've wanted to do for a long time, all geared around helping me feel better about myself. It's always good to learn to accept who you are and be happy with that, but my take on that is if there are things you can easily do, without surgery or drastic measures, to feel better about yourself you should DO THEM!! A few things on my list? Get a new hairstyle. Get on that Latisse stuff and grow my eyelashes a bit more. Get a tan. If such simple, easily attainable things can make me so much happier with what I see in the mirror, why not?
I've poured out a lot of myself here, and that wasn't exactly my plan. But a big part of this for me was to be honest with myself and everyone around me. Posting it for everyone to see is also like another commitment for me. If everyone expects this huge weight loss from me, then I'll feel more pressure to actually stick with it this time. Which is my plan. :-)
Before I tell you just how I'm losing it, let me start by telling you what I've tried thus far. A million years ago, I tried Quick Weight Loss Centers. I don't remember much about it other than it was very complicated, a lot of measuring and counting and cooking. I was in high school at this point, and it may have lasted about a week. I was just too busy for it to stick. In my experience, these kinds of diets don't usually work. They do for some but successful, permanent change is something for a lot of people that needs to be eased into. These kinds of programs go against that for the most part. More power to you if you can do it, but not everyone can.
Nutrisystem, that shit with all the boring commercials featuring hot, hot stars like Dan Marino... ugh. I have used this program twice. It was very much like Quick Weight Loss Centers, lots of counting, lots of measuring... but no cooking. The entrees for every meal, including snacks, are all mailed to you in this big ol' box. You have to add precisely measured side dishes of certain food groups to each meal, which is the biggest pain in the ass. But it was a bit easier and it worked. I lost about 20 pounds the first time. The second time, they changed something about the food. The first time I tried it, most of it was okay, some of it was gross but I just didn't eat that stuff. When I ordered it about 2 years after the first time, ALL OF IT tasted like yuckitypoopoo. I dove straight into the dishes I remembered had been tasty. Not so much, even those reliable fall backs were disgusting. So needless to say, what used to work will not always work.
Alli. For those of you who are lucky enough to never have tried this product, let me dissect it for you. The books that come with it explain that a good target fat intake is 3 grams of fat or less per 100 calories in a food item. The bottle clearly states to not eat too much fat. Or else. You had to find out the hard way what happens when you do eat more than that. I'll enlighten you- you poop this really nasty bright orange oil. Oh and it also has a tendency to come out when you fart. Well, what am I super good at? Farting. Yeah, I'm not ashamed, I learned the hard way. Overall, it's an effective plan. BUT it's just a pill with some books and an online site to track your progress. So, we're back to cooking and measuring and counting. This ones a bit easier because there are quite a few good foods that fall into that 3g of fat/100 calorie range but it was still high maintenance. You had to figure most of it out on your own.
I also tried just plain calorie counting and exercise, the longtime proven method for weight loss. But I have no self discipline, and I'm a boredom eater. So this technique just made me tired and hungry and I couldn't stick with it for more than 3 weeks at a time.
I also tried South Beach for like a week. Yuck. That's all I have to say. Another high maintenance one.
Weight loss techniques are different for everyone, if there was a tried-and-true method for everyone, we'd have no obesity problems. I had to find what works for me. Which brings me to what I am currently using. Phentermine. I'm on my 3rd day, and so far, so good. I'm hardly ever hungry, which was my biggest problem. Sitting down with a bag of tortilla chips no longer appeals to me. Which was the plan. A lot of people are against this pill, and I understand why. However, I am using it under a doctor's close supervision and she's helping me learn how to eat right, period. Not just on a diet, but for good. Which is what I needed. I've yet to have any heart racing issues, which is the biggest reported problem on this pill. I'm keeping a close eye on it every day and so far, this seems to be a good method for me. Let me be clear on one thing- I don't condone using pills, and especially this pill, as a first choice for weight loss. I tried a lot of stuff several times before resorting to this. And I have tried to be happy with my weight as is. But I'm not healthy, and that's the biggest part. If this were just my body and if I'd looked like this my whole life, I might be more content with it. But this weight gain is recent and bottom line, I'm not happy with it.
The biggest part of why the counting, measuring and cooking methods don't work for me is simple- my life has always been governed by food. When I'm eating next, where we're eating out, what I'm going to pig out on when I get a night to myself. And the previously mentioned methods of weight loss are pretty much the same thing- my life revolving around food. Not in the same way, but my life would revolve around all the measuring and counting and cooking. And as much as that may sound like a good thing for me, because my life would still revolve around food, it's really not. I want to let go of my grip on food and live my life. Food just needs to fit into that life. As it's convenient for me. The first full day I took the pill, I cannot even describe the happiness I felt, because for the first day in my life that I can remember, I was not thinking about food. And it was amazing!
Another thing about this pill is that when you're off of it, the appetite does come back. But I'm trying to instill rules for myself now and rules for myself for after that I can stick with the make sure I keep it off. For my diet, I've cut sodas and alcohol out completely. My doctor has a great diet rule- don't drink your calories. When I'm off the diet, I just won't keep sodas in the house. On the few (and reduced times) that I go out to eat after the diet, I will have a soda then. But not in the house. And my drinking will be heavily reduced as well, which I feel is just smart anyway, aside from the diet. So yeah, it's a work in progress, but these are realistic rules I can set for myself and stick with. I think I've got a good handle on it.
One might say, "You've lost weight on those plans before, why don't you think they are successful?" I never hit my target weight. I was so overwhelmed by the programs that I would rather quit than keep going. I wasn't happy, I was stressed and irritable. I stopped being excited about losing weight and figured that I could learn to be happy with the weight I had gotten to. It will happen this time, dammit. I'm at the highest weight I've ever been and I'm just not physically comfortable with my weight. Self conscious, yes, but I am physically uncomfortable with my weight. Like I don't fit into my skin. It's hard to get comfortable and relax, and that's another wake up call I've had.
I'm also on a reward system for myself for when I do hit my target weight. I'm pretty much going all out on a make over. There's a long list of things that I will do when I've lost the weight that I've wanted to do for a long time, all geared around helping me feel better about myself. It's always good to learn to accept who you are and be happy with that, but my take on that is if there are things you can easily do, without surgery or drastic measures, to feel better about yourself you should DO THEM!! A few things on my list? Get a new hairstyle. Get on that Latisse stuff and grow my eyelashes a bit more. Get a tan. If such simple, easily attainable things can make me so much happier with what I see in the mirror, why not?
I've poured out a lot of myself here, and that wasn't exactly my plan. But a big part of this for me was to be honest with myself and everyone around me. Posting it for everyone to see is also like another commitment for me. If everyone expects this huge weight loss from me, then I'll feel more pressure to actually stick with it this time. Which is my plan. :-)
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Someone Farted...
Things have changed a lot around here in the past month and a half. I am now a stay at home wife. I am happier. I get a better amount of sleep now. My house is clean AND organized. I have two dogs now. And things are good. Really good.
It's a new kind of chaos around here, one where I am constantly watching a puppy out of the corner of my eye, making sure she doesn't pee or steal my slippers. I am making sure my adult dog does not feel neglected, which is turning out to be easier than I thought it'd be because she has become somewhat of an escape for me. She is pretty well house trained, she comes to me for lovings because that's really all she wants from me- love. I am alone with my step daughter this weekend because my husband is out of town visiting a friend. She can really be a handful, because she's overly sensitive and that is not a trait that I can easily relate to. My husband and I were in agreement on how to handle this, but he has had a bit of an epiphany that no longer agrees with what I truly feel is right, so I'm struggling with that. I had two of my old coworkers from the bank come over last night for an impromptu "game night" which was a blast. You never realize how much you associate people as family until your routines that involve them change drastically. Life has changed for me, and strangely, I didn't stop to take notice of just how different it is until I smelled something foul and had to ask myself, "who farted?" It wasn't me, it could have been my adult doberman, Isis, who is loving these new, long days with mommy. It could have been my step daughter, who I am so rarely alone with or it could be the new doberman puppy, Juno.
I am alone in the house more now than I ever was before. But I don't feel the loneliness like I did when I was working. It's hard to come home to a house devoid of human interaction. True, I didn't do it often, but when you only get 57-ish hours of conscious time at home each week, only a few hours of alone time while the spouse is at work take away from that number drastically. I've found that I'm happier. I know this time is short lived, because if I make it into the nursing program in the fall, this will be over and I'll return to the land of 8 hour days. So I'm enjoying it. And I'm learning a lot about myself, namely the things that I didn't know I'd actually enjoy doing. Like making my bed. I love having a smoothly made bed in the morning, strange as it sounds. Quiet evenings at home when I'm by myself, with a movie or a book. I'm no longer in a hurry to get things done, which has given me the time to rape my house, so to speak. Somewhere between 15 and 20 trash bags of I-couldn't-tell-you-what and 3 weeks later, my house is organized. I sometimes just stare at my newly rearranged closets and admire the emptiness. And I actually have time to do well in my classes. It's nice.
Wow this was a big change from my normal blog entry theme but hey, we could all use some more docile posts every once in a while. What, did you think I'm like that all the time?? I'm annoying enough being "ranty" 50% of the time, 100% might be overkill.
Monday, January 24, 2011
^#*&$*(@))!#:"?!@#&*(@!!??@@@!}@^%#(!!!!!!!
There just are not words... I am at a loss for words... I am utterly speechless... I'm gonna try this, don't get me wrong... but it might turn out to be a disorganized jumble of nonsensical nonsense. Which is pretty much what it looks like in my head, so hey, you'll be seeing it exactly how I envisioned it.
Anyone seen the previews for Never Say Never yet? Anybody? Anyone? Bueller... Bueller... {crickets} For the lucky people who get to say no to this question, I will enlighten you. But I cannot guarantee that it won't sneak up on you like a ninja rapist in the middle of a night where you chose to sleep with the window open because it's oh-so-nice outside. If you aren't able to dive for the remote in time, you are likely to be scarred. Like me.
Pop quiz... who is my least favorite celebrity teen in the whole wide world? If you said Miley Cyrus, you'd have been right. Okay, second least favorite... That Bieber creature. This movie that is coming soon (the release date has been blocked from my memory, something about repressing the damaging thoughts) is about HIM!!!! Hold up, gotta puke... Alright, done for n... wait... yeah, I think I'm done. For a few minutes anyway. This kid is what, 12? I'm pretty sure he's a little older, but he's frozen in time for me, because he doesn't appear to have aged since some talent scout fell and did some serious marble damage and signed this nitwit. Yeah, I called him a nitwit. What of it? Michael Jackson got a movie, but he had to die first. Oh and he'd been doing it his ENTIRE life. He died at 50, so I'm pretty sure he'd been at the entertainment game for like 55 years. No that was no typo, I meant 55. Plus, Michael Jackson was a "suspected" pedophile and is STILL considered a legend. That, and he was just an odd bloke, let's all admit it. But nobody cared because we got Thriller, Smooth Criminal and Billie Jean out of it, and he made Free Willy worth seeing because of the awesome soundtrack. So let's go back to my mind-f*** of the day... the year, really, I've hit my shock and disgust quota, anymore might cause me to keel over and become self-comatose. The Bieber creature has been doing this for five minutes compared to Michael "Yes, I DID invent the moonwalk!" Jackson. And he gets a movie?? I've won plenty of grammys in my shower, where's MY movie?? Ugh... And the worst part of all this? If I decide to see a movie in the next few months, I'm gonna have to sit outside the movie theater until the previews are over just to ensure that I miss any further tainting. And all my TV shows will have to be DVRed so I can fast forward the commercials just to further ascertain that I will miss seeing this... this... SHIT again in the comfort of my own home. And did I mention they feel the need to broadcast this waste of money in 3D??? Umm... no thanks, if I wanted the FULL Bieber creature experience, I'd go to a concert. But I don't want to, so I won't. I won't even see the movie so this really doesn't pertain to me. I am not the target audience.
And bullet-in-my-head OH EM GEEEEEE!!! My step daughter has decided she likes the music of said swamp creature. I'm gonna have to damper that shit STAT!!! When she comes back on Wednesday I'm just gonna tell her he died. And his music died with him. Sorry toots.
And this has inspired me to post a sign on my door... Ya know how people post those "no soliciting" signs on their doors? I'm gonna post on that says "Bieber Free Zone" and anyone who mentions his name or music will get kicked to the curb. And banned permanently. OOOO Maybe I can teach my dog to respond to "Bieber" as an attack word... hmmm...
Anyone seen the previews for Never Say Never yet? Anybody? Anyone? Bueller... Bueller... {crickets} For the lucky people who get to say no to this question, I will enlighten you. But I cannot guarantee that it won't sneak up on you like a ninja rapist in the middle of a night where you chose to sleep with the window open because it's oh-so-nice outside. If you aren't able to dive for the remote in time, you are likely to be scarred. Like me.
Pop quiz... who is my least favorite celebrity teen in the whole wide world? If you said Miley Cyrus, you'd have been right. Okay, second least favorite... That Bieber creature. This movie that is coming soon (the release date has been blocked from my memory, something about repressing the damaging thoughts) is about HIM!!!! Hold up, gotta puke... Alright, done for n... wait... yeah, I think I'm done. For a few minutes anyway. This kid is what, 12? I'm pretty sure he's a little older, but he's frozen in time for me, because he doesn't appear to have aged since some talent scout fell and did some serious marble damage and signed this nitwit. Yeah, I called him a nitwit. What of it? Michael Jackson got a movie, but he had to die first. Oh and he'd been doing it his ENTIRE life. He died at 50, so I'm pretty sure he'd been at the entertainment game for like 55 years. No that was no typo, I meant 55. Plus, Michael Jackson was a "suspected" pedophile and is STILL considered a legend. That, and he was just an odd bloke, let's all admit it. But nobody cared because we got Thriller, Smooth Criminal and Billie Jean out of it, and he made Free Willy worth seeing because of the awesome soundtrack. So let's go back to my mind-f*** of the day... the year, really, I've hit my shock and disgust quota, anymore might cause me to keel over and become self-comatose. The Bieber creature has been doing this for five minutes compared to Michael "Yes, I DID invent the moonwalk!" Jackson. And he gets a movie?? I've won plenty of grammys in my shower, where's MY movie?? Ugh... And the worst part of all this? If I decide to see a movie in the next few months, I'm gonna have to sit outside the movie theater until the previews are over just to ensure that I miss any further tainting. And all my TV shows will have to be DVRed so I can fast forward the commercials just to further ascertain that I will miss seeing this... this... SHIT again in the comfort of my own home. And did I mention they feel the need to broadcast this waste of money in 3D??? Umm... no thanks, if I wanted the FULL Bieber creature experience, I'd go to a concert. But I don't want to, so I won't. I won't even see the movie so this really doesn't pertain to me. I am not the target audience.
And bullet-in-my-head OH EM GEEEEEE!!! My step daughter has decided she likes the music of said swamp creature. I'm gonna have to damper that shit STAT!!! When she comes back on Wednesday I'm just gonna tell her he died. And his music died with him. Sorry toots.
And this has inspired me to post a sign on my door... Ya know how people post those "no soliciting" signs on their doors? I'm gonna post on that says "Bieber Free Zone" and anyone who mentions his name or music will get kicked to the curb. And banned permanently. OOOO Maybe I can teach my dog to respond to "Bieber" as an attack word... hmmm...
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Let's Just Delete the Number "2" While We're At It...
It's been a while since I've posted, I guess not sitting in front of a computer all day has changed my "writing" schedule a bit. A lot has changed in my personal life, but we'll go into that later. What is bugging me right now is FAR more interesting...
I'm not a big news reader, but you'd have to have been living in a bomb shelter for the past two weeks to be oblivious to the attempted assassination that happened in Arizona on January 8. To bring the bomb shelter inhabitants up to speed, 6 people were killed in Arizona during an attempted murder of congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords. She was shot in the head but is recovering.
This was a very unfortunate event and by no means should be taken lightly. However, like all tragedies, it has brought on a new wave of paranoia that America frankly didn't need. Americans are seriously considering restricting the number of rounds a firearm can house at a given time and doing away with high capacity magazines. Crash course for those who don't know jack about firearms, (which is fine, I completely respect those who are uncomfortable with them) a "high capacity magazine" can hold more than 10 rounds, AKA bullets. As a proud card carrying member of well educated gun owners, this both ticks me off and confuses me. It makes no sense to me that the government thinks that restricting the amount of rounds in a magazine will solve this problem. Psychos like this bloke, Jared Loughner, will just carry twice the number of loaded magazines. If someone thinks they have a point to prove and are willing to resort to gunfire to do it, the repealing of the second amendment will not stop them. This is actually opening up another can of worms for an entirely new set of problems.
Try finding a gun bigger than a set of playing cards that comes with factory magazines that aren't high capacity. My gun is a pretty standard carry, it can do damage while being small and compact. The magazines that came with it both have a higher capacity than 10. I'm sure they will have some type of "grandfather" clause for people like me who already have these "extra" dangerous firearms, but still... going forward, when the day comes to replace my trusty handgun, do I want to place the difference between a body bag and walking away in 10 rounds or less? Which brings me to my second point...
As a women who spends a good majority of her nights home alone, or with a 5 year old child in the house, security is a important to me. I have some of the best locks money can buy, spotlights on just about every corner of my house, a doberman pinscher and plenty of firearms. This is not overkill, it is a necessity. It may look like I live in beaver-cleaver-ville, but we've had more than our share of home break ins and security scares out here in BFE. God help the man who picks my door to break down, because if it comes down to him or me, you can bet my happy ass is walking out shaken but alive. I have serious problems with the government telling me I have 10 rounds or less to save said happy ass. Sure, I can just follow my own thoughts about the psychos and keep several magazines loaded and ready to go. But put in that kind of a hectic situation, no amount of practice will prepare me for dropping an empty magazine and loading a fresh one. There just won't be time. I'm not the best shot in the world but I can hold my own and I am well rehearsed, but add the adrenaline, fear, anger and a moving target, I won't shoot so well. I've accepted this fact and compensated by being as prepared as possible. In 10 rounds or less, I'm confident I could take down one intruder. But more than one? My odds go down.
So my overall opinion on this is simple- this is not a very good idea. Will it stop people from using guns to make their point? Nope. Will it put me in an even worse position than I already am if placed in a situation to exercise deadly force? Absolutely. I just don't see how the benefits to this outweigh the negatives. This country was founded on beliefs that Americans should have the right to bear arms. Sure, times have changed since then. We aren't as responsible for our own security as we were when the Constitution was written. But we still hold that constitutional right and it might just be me, but that right helps me sleep a tad better at night.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
If There Was an "Idiot" Merit Badge...
I am a prize idiot. I'm pretty sure that I've officially earned that title, and dammit I'm gonna wear it proudly! Yesterday, we had probably one of the worst snows since I've lived here. And it came out of nowhere, at least for me, because I'd broken my ritual of checking the weather every morning this week. For obvious reasons, my mental schedule is a bit off right now.
I left work at 4:20, right when the snow started to pick up. Big ol' fat snow, as I like to call it. I didn't have anything to do that couldn't wait but I was feeling over zealous and wanted to be productive. I have a bulk order from some necklaces that I needed more chain and wire for, but again... not pressing. I decided to go anyway. As I'm leaving the store, the weather had gotten much worse, but I decided I hadn't quite done enough to earn my "idiot" badge so I made a trip out to Abuelo's to get some take out for dinner.
For those of you who don't live in Knoxville, the bead store is in the Northshore area and Abuelo's is in Turkey Creek. Normally, this wouldn't really be too far out of my way. Both are in West Knoxville. See fancy enclosed map below for an exact idea of where I was going. The map says 16 minutes but I've made it from this part of town to Turkey Creek in about 12 minutes before.
I called my food order in about 5:10. And that's about when I noticed the traffic. The interstate is less than a mile from this store, yet it took me 10 minutes to get there anyway. Don't even get me started on the interstate itself. While I was on top of an overpass on 40, I got the urge to look around at the streets and Oh...my...god... every single road, even podunk roads were severely backed up. Didn't make my night look good. I know the weather caused it, but it got me thinking... this kind of weather makes people want to get OFF the roads, but it was like a massive Facebook invite went out about being on the roads last night. And everyone accepted. This kind of traffic would make rush hour blush. Remember that 16 minute estimate? It took me over 50. And I didn't get home until almost 7. It was a nightmare.
The funny part of this story is how I was acting in the car. Ya know how you get to those moments where you're so flabbergasted at the way a situation is going that you just start to talk to yourself? I did that. A lot. If I lost a year off my life for every insult I get, I'd have died at my own hand last night. Because I didn't have to do any of this, I just got the urge to. And lest I remind you, it started snowing as I left work, so it's not like it started after I'd already committed to this. Jordan and I have a joke that started when I told him years ago that I was convinced that he held me responsible for everything that goes wrong in his life. My theory was that I could be on the other side of the world, minding my onesy, and he could stub his toe and his first thought would be, "EFFING MEREDITH!!" A bit more colorful, of course, but I've decided to censor myself for shits and gigglies today. Well... last night, those words were uttered quite a bit and Jordan wasn't saying them! Yeah... good thing insults can't kill a person.
I can honestly say I've officially earned my "idiot" badge. My sash is running out of room, at the rate I'm pulling these stunts. Oh well... at least I possess the ability to laugh at myself.
I left work at 4:20, right when the snow started to pick up. Big ol' fat snow, as I like to call it. I didn't have anything to do that couldn't wait but I was feeling over zealous and wanted to be productive. I have a bulk order from some necklaces that I needed more chain and wire for, but again... not pressing. I decided to go anyway. As I'm leaving the store, the weather had gotten much worse, but I decided I hadn't quite done enough to earn my "idiot" badge so I made a trip out to Abuelo's to get some take out for dinner.
For those of you who don't live in Knoxville, the bead store is in the Northshore area and Abuelo's is in Turkey Creek. Normally, this wouldn't really be too far out of my way. Both are in West Knoxville. See fancy enclosed map below for an exact idea of where I was going. The map says 16 minutes but I've made it from this part of town to Turkey Creek in about 12 minutes before.
I called my food order in about 5:10. And that's about when I noticed the traffic. The interstate is less than a mile from this store, yet it took me 10 minutes to get there anyway. Don't even get me started on the interstate itself. While I was on top of an overpass on 40, I got the urge to look around at the streets and Oh...my...god... every single road, even podunk roads were severely backed up. Didn't make my night look good. I know the weather caused it, but it got me thinking... this kind of weather makes people want to get OFF the roads, but it was like a massive Facebook invite went out about being on the roads last night. And everyone accepted. This kind of traffic would make rush hour blush. Remember that 16 minute estimate? It took me over 50. And I didn't get home until almost 7. It was a nightmare.
The funny part of this story is how I was acting in the car. Ya know how you get to those moments where you're so flabbergasted at the way a situation is going that you just start to talk to yourself? I did that. A lot. If I lost a year off my life for every insult I get, I'd have died at my own hand last night. Because I didn't have to do any of this, I just got the urge to. And lest I remind you, it started snowing as I left work, so it's not like it started after I'd already committed to this. Jordan and I have a joke that started when I told him years ago that I was convinced that he held me responsible for everything that goes wrong in his life. My theory was that I could be on the other side of the world, minding my onesy, and he could stub his toe and his first thought would be, "EFFING MEREDITH!!" A bit more colorful, of course, but I've decided to censor myself for shits and gigglies today. Well... last night, those words were uttered quite a bit and Jordan wasn't saying them! Yeah... good thing insults can't kill a person.
I can honestly say I've officially earned my "idiot" badge. My sash is running out of room, at the rate I'm pulling these stunts. Oh well... at least I possess the ability to laugh at myself.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Silly, Ridiculous Stereotypes
I had a conversation with a good friend the other day and it sounded like a fabulous blog entry! It heavily enters a gray area, but hey, almost every subject is a gray area these days so why not.
Stereotypes. Yep, I'm gonna go there. They are there for a reason and every group has them. But there's good news- it's a personal choice whether or not you want to be in them. A guy walks into my workplace, a respected corporation, with his pants down to his knees, a hat with the sticker/tag still on and sunglasses and honestly thinks it looks good to everyone else. "Circus clowns" are just an example of the words that come to mind. This was his choice, sure it may look good, dope, or whatever people call it these days, to his friends. But to the general population this looks silly, and these guys cannot figure out why people don't respect them. Duh. This friend of mine I had the conversation with works in retail and in his line of work, they have to keep an eye on customers to make sure they aren't being robbed blind. Well you can't exactly stare down every person that walks in, unless you like being cross eyed... I, for one, do not. So what do you do? You play James Bond, super-spy with the likely suspects. It's NOT rocket science that the way people dress is a good indication of the first impressions people have of them. So when you dress like Jay-Z's special-ed cousin, you're going to get some funny looks. I think people take celebrity style a bit too far, because last I checked, on stage, concert attire doesn't look as good on the sidewalk in the middle of the day. Am I the only person who reads (reads meaning I flip through it and look at the pictures, occasionally reading a caption or two) US Weekly and observes that the paparazzi pictures of these celebrities clearly show that the popular people don't wear that shit every day?! Even Usher wears jeans (at the waist) and a T-shirt (in the right size) every now and then, take a note.
I am NOT being racist, quite the opposite. I've seen guys of every race and religion dress like this and guess what... it looks ridiculous on everyone, regardless of skin color. Oh and I haven't forgotten about girls and their part in all this... oh no, they get a turn too!
Girls... oh dear. When every gift your mama gave you is hanging out of one opening or another, there's a problem. Whoever coined the phrase, "If you've got it, flaunt it" needs to die. Maybe they were talking about nice cars... or pretty jewelry... R-E-S-P-E-C-T does not often come the way of girls with boots with the fuuurrr. No, shawty should not get low outside of the club. So let's not dress that way, mkay? Think "presentable," not a difficult concept. Again, this is not restricted to any particular ethnic group, because this fashion sense has spread faster than the Macarena, and I haven't a clue why. That godawful dance died pretty quickly, why won't this? Now I know that I'm no snazzy dresser, but I think my black Chuck Taylors, jeans and a T-shirt of some kind make me a lot more discreet and appropriate than a bikini top with a skirt and fluorescent Reebok shoes. Just sayin'. I don't get disrespected very often on the basis of what I wear, usually it's for what's coming out of my mouth. Which is understandable, I get a bit mouthy sometimes. A lot of times. It's a tic, I'm working on it.
Another part of these stereotypes that drives me bonkers is the language that comes with it. When I was living in my hometown of League City, Texas, I was forced to listen to people I'd grown up with speaking the worst dialect of Ebonics I'd ever heard. Um, we went to the same school and I must have missed that speech class because I don't talk like that. Ugh, and another one- "know what I'm sayin'?" Bullet. Head. Right now. This is not a verbal period, signifying the end of a sentence. I love responding with "no... no I don't know what you're saying." But nevertheless, this expression is like the cherry on top of the cake for the outfits previously mentioned. It's not the same as a filler expression, those are much briefer and ten times harder to control. This, however takes a good 3 seconds to say, 5 if you draw out the "saaaayiin'" part. Which is like taking my annoyances and beefing them up on steroids. Oh well... like I said, stereotypes for a reason. Easy choice, but so hard for some I guess.
Stereotypes. Yep, I'm gonna go there. They are there for a reason and every group has them. But there's good news- it's a personal choice whether or not you want to be in them. A guy walks into my workplace, a respected corporation, with his pants down to his knees, a hat with the sticker/tag still on and sunglasses and honestly thinks it looks good to everyone else. "Circus clowns" are just an example of the words that come to mind. This was his choice, sure it may look good, dope, or whatever people call it these days, to his friends. But to the general population this looks silly, and these guys cannot figure out why people don't respect them. Duh. This friend of mine I had the conversation with works in retail and in his line of work, they have to keep an eye on customers to make sure they aren't being robbed blind. Well you can't exactly stare down every person that walks in, unless you like being cross eyed... I, for one, do not. So what do you do? You play James Bond, super-spy with the likely suspects. It's NOT rocket science that the way people dress is a good indication of the first impressions people have of them. So when you dress like Jay-Z's special-ed cousin, you're going to get some funny looks. I think people take celebrity style a bit too far, because last I checked, on stage, concert attire doesn't look as good on the sidewalk in the middle of the day. Am I the only person who reads (reads meaning I flip through it and look at the pictures, occasionally reading a caption or two) US Weekly and observes that the paparazzi pictures of these celebrities clearly show that the popular people don't wear that shit every day?! Even Usher wears jeans (at the waist) and a T-shirt (in the right size) every now and then, take a note.
I am NOT being racist, quite the opposite. I've seen guys of every race and religion dress like this and guess what... it looks ridiculous on everyone, regardless of skin color. Oh and I haven't forgotten about girls and their part in all this... oh no, they get a turn too!
Girls... oh dear. When every gift your mama gave you is hanging out of one opening or another, there's a problem. Whoever coined the phrase, "If you've got it, flaunt it" needs to die. Maybe they were talking about nice cars... or pretty jewelry... R-E-S-P-E-C-T does not often come the way of girls with boots with the fuuurrr. No, shawty should not get low outside of the club. So let's not dress that way, mkay? Think "presentable," not a difficult concept. Again, this is not restricted to any particular ethnic group, because this fashion sense has spread faster than the Macarena, and I haven't a clue why. That godawful dance died pretty quickly, why won't this? Now I know that I'm no snazzy dresser, but I think my black Chuck Taylors, jeans and a T-shirt of some kind make me a lot more discreet and appropriate than a bikini top with a skirt and fluorescent Reebok shoes. Just sayin'. I don't get disrespected very often on the basis of what I wear, usually it's for what's coming out of my mouth. Which is understandable, I get a bit mouthy sometimes. A lot of times. It's a tic, I'm working on it.
Another part of these stereotypes that drives me bonkers is the language that comes with it. When I was living in my hometown of League City, Texas, I was forced to listen to people I'd grown up with speaking the worst dialect of Ebonics I'd ever heard. Um, we went to the same school and I must have missed that speech class because I don't talk like that. Ugh, and another one- "know what I'm sayin'?" Bullet. Head. Right now. This is not a verbal period, signifying the end of a sentence. I love responding with "no... no I don't know what you're saying." But nevertheless, this expression is like the cherry on top of the cake for the outfits previously mentioned. It's not the same as a filler expression, those are much briefer and ten times harder to control. This, however takes a good 3 seconds to say, 5 if you draw out the "saaaayiin'" part. Which is like taking my annoyances and beefing them up on steroids. Oh well... like I said, stereotypes for a reason. Easy choice, but so hard for some I guess.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Celebrity Rehab: All the Cool Kids Are Doing It
I am so over the Lindsay Lohan bullshit. She must live by the mantra "negative publicity is still publicity." And get this- she's not convinced that her career is over. She still thinks she has a chance to get back on the big screen. My thoughts? That bus left the depot a long time ago.
Making movies is still a business, and for those of you who don't know how making movies work, the studios don't just have several millions of dollars laying around to hand over to these already over-paid actors. Sure, they've got part of it. But a good majority of the cash is provided by investing companies and sometimes the people actually working on the movie, in exchange for a salary and a percentage of the sales. It is a for-profit business, period. Now I don't know about you, but if I had tons of money (that's a nice thought, let me sit on that one for a minute......... ok, I'm done) and were approached to back a movie production, I'd take a serious look at the factors, like any responsible investor. Timeline, a good plot and reliable employees would be the first thing I'd look at. Lindsay Lohan would be a name that would scream "HEAD FOR THE HILLS!!!" Bottom line? Who is going to want to hire this hot mess who has made a career out of being, well... a hot mess. I just don't get it. Why would she think anyone is going to want to hire her after all that she's been through?? I can't speak for the rest of the population, but the only factor influencing me to see a Lohan flick is curiosity.
How do you solve a problem like Lohan? I know, I know!!! Cut her off. Seriously, if I had a downward spiraling celebrity relative or friend, I would cut that bitch off. Her agent, her family, her manager, everyone needs to just back the &*$% off!!! Oh, and step the paparazzi up a notch. A big one. Think about it, losing all your resources and probably your money in the process and still having to deal with those idiots running around with cameras? OOOO that'd be funny! To quote a favorite reality show of mine, Intervention, an addict has to hit their rock bottom before they are put in a position to change. How does someone with money and celebrity status, albeit bad celebrity status, hit a rock bottom? I guess they can't. My idea is now flawed. Bummer.
Seriously though, what is it with these nuts in Hollywood practically seeking out rehab? Lindsay Lohan- drug addict, Jesse James- sex addict, Demi Lovato- eating disorders, David Arquett- alcoholic... it's almost considered a career boost when you start to fade into the background. Again, I guess negative publicity is still publicity. The only celebrity I've ever seen (that I can think of at the moment) literally go from the very bottom to the very top is Robert Downey, Jr. He really had it bad for a while, but he cleaned up, disappeared for a while, and now he's making top 10 movies left and right. But it's taken him over a decade to go from one to the other!! So this is clearly not a career booster!! Had he not gone through the issues that he did, he'd have 10 years of good work that he doesn't have now. I just don't understand why people expect the opposite these days. Or maybe it's just the cool thing to do... maybe Miley Cyrus will be the next to go and I can have a break from that bitch for a while.
Making movies is still a business, and for those of you who don't know how making movies work, the studios don't just have several millions of dollars laying around to hand over to these already over-paid actors. Sure, they've got part of it. But a good majority of the cash is provided by investing companies and sometimes the people actually working on the movie, in exchange for a salary and a percentage of the sales. It is a for-profit business, period. Now I don't know about you, but if I had tons of money (that's a nice thought, let me sit on that one for a minute......... ok, I'm done) and were approached to back a movie production, I'd take a serious look at the factors, like any responsible investor. Timeline, a good plot and reliable employees would be the first thing I'd look at. Lindsay Lohan would be a name that would scream "HEAD FOR THE HILLS!!!" Bottom line? Who is going to want to hire this hot mess who has made a career out of being, well... a hot mess. I just don't get it. Why would she think anyone is going to want to hire her after all that she's been through?? I can't speak for the rest of the population, but the only factor influencing me to see a Lohan flick is curiosity.
How do you solve a problem like Lohan? I know, I know!!! Cut her off. Seriously, if I had a downward spiraling celebrity relative or friend, I would cut that bitch off. Her agent, her family, her manager, everyone needs to just back the &*$% off!!! Oh, and step the paparazzi up a notch. A big one. Think about it, losing all your resources and probably your money in the process and still having to deal with those idiots running around with cameras? OOOO that'd be funny! To quote a favorite reality show of mine, Intervention, an addict has to hit their rock bottom before they are put in a position to change. How does someone with money and celebrity status, albeit bad celebrity status, hit a rock bottom? I guess they can't. My idea is now flawed. Bummer.
Seriously though, what is it with these nuts in Hollywood practically seeking out rehab? Lindsay Lohan- drug addict, Jesse James- sex addict, Demi Lovato- eating disorders, David Arquett- alcoholic... it's almost considered a career boost when you start to fade into the background. Again, I guess negative publicity is still publicity. The only celebrity I've ever seen (that I can think of at the moment) literally go from the very bottom to the very top is Robert Downey, Jr. He really had it bad for a while, but he cleaned up, disappeared for a while, and now he's making top 10 movies left and right. But it's taken him over a decade to go from one to the other!! So this is clearly not a career booster!! Had he not gone through the issues that he did, he'd have 10 years of good work that he doesn't have now. I just don't understand why people expect the opposite these days. Or maybe it's just the cool thing to do... maybe Miley Cyrus will be the next to go and I can have a break from that bitch for a while.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Yay! I'm a Llama Again!...... Wait...
Yesterday, I went out to the stables for a leisurely, afternoon ride. For those of you who don't know about this part of my life, I volunteer at a therapeutic riding academy near my house. I do barn work, exercise the horses, help out in therapy lessons where I can. It's pretty rewarding work. It also gives me yet another corner of my life where something goofy can happen.
First off, it was freezing and I was tired. But I've committed to this, and according to the log, no one else has been able to brave the weather long enough to exercise the horses in a while, so I got off my lazy butt and did it. Oh, and it doesn't help that I live literally 3 minutes away. One would think this is a good thing, but it's not because I feel even more guilty on the days that I can't make it out. I live 3 minutes away, I can't even use icy roads as an excuse.
Back to yesterday's incident. I get there and head out to the pasture for my four legged friend, Patches. She's a beautiful tri color, blue eyed tovero paint. She's also the laziest animal that I've ever come across. But I love her all the same, and she's usually the horse I choose to work with because she needs the work the most. Normally, she has this game she likes to play. It's called "chase me in the pasture for 20 minutes." Apparently, she thinks its reeally fun. I always tell her I don't want to play, but I guess in equine-speak, that means, "I LOVE this game!!! Let's play forever!" Yesterday, someone was on my side because she chose to play the game for 30 seconds before giving up. Not sure what I would have done had she continued, I'd have been tired, cold, and now walking the entire perimeter of this massive pasture on foot. After I got her in the barn, groomed and saddled up, I decide it would be nice to do a mini-trail ride up and down the long road from the main road to the stable. It's a pretty view and I was having a great time until we made a new friend. The road we were walking on has fences along the edges with large pastures on either side. One side is loaded with donkeys. The other is an odd mix of horses, cows and alpaca. One of said alpaca decided it wanted to follow us along side the fence. My first thought? These things are a cousin of llamas. What do llamas do? Spit. Great. And it's not like I can just distance myself from the fence because 10 feet to the other side is another fence. I was alright with it until I heard it make some pretty bizarre noises, some of which resemble what my dad sounds like when he's winding up for a massive lugey. Mind you, I've never seen these things actually spit, I just know they can. So I'm a little unclear as to the kind of distance these puppies can make. Luckily I remembered a trick from my Washington days- don't make eye contact. So I spent 99% of this leisurely afternoon ride staring at the road, avoiding eye contact with an ANIMAL. I felt pretty childish but then again, the alternative was to spend the day covered in alpaca spit.
Let's pause for a second. There are few things in this world that utterly gross me out. One of those things happens to be spit. I HATE, DETEST AND LOATHE spit. I actually make sure I have as little spit as possible in my mouth at all times because just having an excess grosses me out. The smell is horrible and it's just nasty to me. Bleh. I just threw up in my mouth thinking about it. So the thought of being drenched (or even lightly sprayed, for that matter) in alpaca spit is like a nightmare for me. I kept waiting for the damn animal to lose interest in me and Patches but oh no, this was quite the persistent little fudger. And it's a good thing I'm confident with my control with horses, because about halfway through, Patches got a wild hair up her ass and quite powerfully decided she wanted to say hi to our new "friend." Um, no ma'am. We'll just stay our happy little butts on this side of the road, thanks.
We made it back in one piece, dry and spit free. I was originally planning to go up and down the road several times for about an hour, but I'm pretty sure we can all guess how my re-evaluation of that decision went. So here's my recap of yesterday- spent a good hour and a half arguing with an Easy Bake oven and then the afternoon giving an alpaca the cold shoulder. I sure know how to have some eventful weekends, let me tell you.
First off, it was freezing and I was tired. But I've committed to this, and according to the log, no one else has been able to brave the weather long enough to exercise the horses in a while, so I got off my lazy butt and did it. Oh, and it doesn't help that I live literally 3 minutes away. One would think this is a good thing, but it's not because I feel even more guilty on the days that I can't make it out. I live 3 minutes away, I can't even use icy roads as an excuse.
Back to yesterday's incident. I get there and head out to the pasture for my four legged friend, Patches. She's a beautiful tri color, blue eyed tovero paint. She's also the laziest animal that I've ever come across. But I love her all the same, and she's usually the horse I choose to work with because she needs the work the most. Normally, she has this game she likes to play. It's called "chase me in the pasture for 20 minutes." Apparently, she thinks its reeally fun. I always tell her I don't want to play, but I guess in equine-speak, that means, "I LOVE this game!!! Let's play forever!" Yesterday, someone was on my side because she chose to play the game for 30 seconds before giving up. Not sure what I would have done had she continued, I'd have been tired, cold, and now walking the entire perimeter of this massive pasture on foot. After I got her in the barn, groomed and saddled up, I decide it would be nice to do a mini-trail ride up and down the long road from the main road to the stable. It's a pretty view and I was having a great time until we made a new friend. The road we were walking on has fences along the edges with large pastures on either side. One side is loaded with donkeys. The other is an odd mix of horses, cows and alpaca. One of said alpaca decided it wanted to follow us along side the fence. My first thought? These things are a cousin of llamas. What do llamas do? Spit. Great. And it's not like I can just distance myself from the fence because 10 feet to the other side is another fence. I was alright with it until I heard it make some pretty bizarre noises, some of which resemble what my dad sounds like when he's winding up for a massive lugey. Mind you, I've never seen these things actually spit, I just know they can. So I'm a little unclear as to the kind of distance these puppies can make. Luckily I remembered a trick from my Washington days- don't make eye contact. So I spent 99% of this leisurely afternoon ride staring at the road, avoiding eye contact with an ANIMAL. I felt pretty childish but then again, the alternative was to spend the day covered in alpaca spit.
Let's pause for a second. There are few things in this world that utterly gross me out. One of those things happens to be spit. I HATE, DETEST AND LOATHE spit. I actually make sure I have as little spit as possible in my mouth at all times because just having an excess grosses me out. The smell is horrible and it's just nasty to me. Bleh. I just threw up in my mouth thinking about it. So the thought of being drenched (or even lightly sprayed, for that matter) in alpaca spit is like a nightmare for me. I kept waiting for the damn animal to lose interest in me and Patches but oh no, this was quite the persistent little fudger. And it's a good thing I'm confident with my control with horses, because about halfway through, Patches got a wild hair up her ass and quite powerfully decided she wanted to say hi to our new "friend." Um, no ma'am. We'll just stay our happy little butts on this side of the road, thanks.
We made it back in one piece, dry and spit free. I was originally planning to go up and down the road several times for about an hour, but I'm pretty sure we can all guess how my re-evaluation of that decision went. So here's my recap of yesterday- spent a good hour and a half arguing with an Easy Bake oven and then the afternoon giving an alpaca the cold shoulder. I sure know how to have some eventful weekends, let me tell you.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Anything-But Easy Bake Oven
Someone gave my step daughter an Easy Bake Oven for her 5th birthday... the only problem I have with this is that it's an 8 and up toy. Granted, we can help her and I really don't mind to, but my mom was smart to never give me this thing when I was a kid.
Now I'm no novice in the kitchen. I'm not intimidated by any recipe, and I can officially say after my conquering of the turkey for Thanksgiving that nothing kitchen related scares me. So needless to say, I was feeling a little cocky about this activity, but it was short lived. To be perfectly honest, I was a little apprehensive about the rattling of metal when I opened the box to start the "assembly required" portion of use for this godforsaken contraption. Deep breath- it's already assembled. The ONLY assembly required is to install the lightbulb. Need I remind you, I never had one of these things growing up. I had no idea what the lightbulb was for. Oh wait... where does the heat come from to cook these... things. This is about the point where my expectations begin to tank.
We decided to start with the "party cake" which is basically a fancy way of naming that white cake mix with sprinkles that melt into rainbow spots. The picture is pretty stinking adorable and I had a momentary lapse of amnesia. This is no different from the Betty Crocker boxed cake mixes. Ya know, the ones with the pictures of flawless, moist cakes on the front, perfectly iced and begging to be devoured? Well the finished products of those never look quite that good, but they come kinda close. Considering the fact that these are cooked in 1/2" deep, 5" diameter pans over a 100 watt LIGHTBULB, I should have figured... the picture of the Easy Bake cake has a disclaimer- "results vary." Right. A more accurate disclaimer would have been "if your finished cake is the polar opposite of the picture, you've done it right."
There is very little preparation for these things, ingredient-wise. It takes more time than anything. First you spend 15 minutes "pre-heating" the lightbulb. I swear to god, I couldn't make this shit up! You pour the cake mix in a bowl, add 2 tsp of water and stir for 10 minutes. I don't even spend that long on real cakes. One could argue my point by saying, "these are real cakes, they are just mini-versions." Um... no they aren't. These cakes have no "stickage" to them, they crumble apart when taken out of the pan and the icing? The icing in the picture HAD to have been Betty Crocker. As I was preparing the icing, my step daughter pointed out that it looked like grits. She was right. I added about 1/2 cup of my own powdered sugar to "fluff" it up more. Nope, just created more grits. Not only was there not enough "grits" to cover the cake, but I was scraping more crumbs off the poorly held-together "cake" than I was putting icing on. One could only hope it tasted good. Oh, this was my day for disappointment. My husband described it well- tastes like an iced biscuit. Now I'm curious to try that, sounds better than the sugary mush we ate today.
Oh and we tried the sugar cookie recipe too. This was almost worse, same issue with the grit-like icing, although the sprinkles were okay. Kinda hard to screw those up. The first one came out of the pan burnt and crusted up the sides. So we were gipped out of one of our four cookies it made. And I practically did the entire thing, my step-daughter just came running back in with her apron and chef's hat to "check on me" every 15 minutes or so. Which again, was fine, but that adult supervision thing was a bit understated. Again, a better disclaimer would have been, "be forewarned, you're going to do EVERYTHING." I've learned from this... next time, just buy the Betty Crocker stuff, make it the real way, plug in the Easy Bake oven to look like I'm doing it the "right" way and save myself one disappointment after another. I like that idea WAY more.
Now I'm no novice in the kitchen. I'm not intimidated by any recipe, and I can officially say after my conquering of the turkey for Thanksgiving that nothing kitchen related scares me. So needless to say, I was feeling a little cocky about this activity, but it was short lived. To be perfectly honest, I was a little apprehensive about the rattling of metal when I opened the box to start the "assembly required" portion of use for this godforsaken contraption. Deep breath- it's already assembled. The ONLY assembly required is to install the lightbulb. Need I remind you, I never had one of these things growing up. I had no idea what the lightbulb was for. Oh wait... where does the heat come from to cook these... things. This is about the point where my expectations begin to tank.
We decided to start with the "party cake" which is basically a fancy way of naming that white cake mix with sprinkles that melt into rainbow spots. The picture is pretty stinking adorable and I had a momentary lapse of amnesia. This is no different from the Betty Crocker boxed cake mixes. Ya know, the ones with the pictures of flawless, moist cakes on the front, perfectly iced and begging to be devoured? Well the finished products of those never look quite that good, but they come kinda close. Considering the fact that these are cooked in 1/2" deep, 5" diameter pans over a 100 watt LIGHTBULB, I should have figured... the picture of the Easy Bake cake has a disclaimer- "results vary." Right. A more accurate disclaimer would have been "if your finished cake is the polar opposite of the picture, you've done it right."
There is very little preparation for these things, ingredient-wise. It takes more time than anything. First you spend 15 minutes "pre-heating" the lightbulb. I swear to god, I couldn't make this shit up! You pour the cake mix in a bowl, add 2 tsp of water and stir for 10 minutes. I don't even spend that long on real cakes. One could argue my point by saying, "these are real cakes, they are just mini-versions." Um... no they aren't. These cakes have no "stickage" to them, they crumble apart when taken out of the pan and the icing? The icing in the picture HAD to have been Betty Crocker. As I was preparing the icing, my step daughter pointed out that it looked like grits. She was right. I added about 1/2 cup of my own powdered sugar to "fluff" it up more. Nope, just created more grits. Not only was there not enough "grits" to cover the cake, but I was scraping more crumbs off the poorly held-together "cake" than I was putting icing on. One could only hope it tasted good. Oh, this was my day for disappointment. My husband described it well- tastes like an iced biscuit. Now I'm curious to try that, sounds better than the sugary mush we ate today.
Oh and we tried the sugar cookie recipe too. This was almost worse, same issue with the grit-like icing, although the sprinkles were okay. Kinda hard to screw those up. The first one came out of the pan burnt and crusted up the sides. So we were gipped out of one of our four cookies it made. And I practically did the entire thing, my step-daughter just came running back in with her apron and chef's hat to "check on me" every 15 minutes or so. Which again, was fine, but that adult supervision thing was a bit understated. Again, a better disclaimer would have been, "be forewarned, you're going to do EVERYTHING." I've learned from this... next time, just buy the Betty Crocker stuff, make it the real way, plug in the Easy Bake oven to look like I'm doing it the "right" way and save myself one disappointment after another. I like that idea WAY more.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
My Best of Craigslist
So I discovered the Best of Craigslist link today and O...M...G... HOURS of fun-filled entertainment! Thought I'd share!
Time Travel
I have a functioning time machine (i know it sounds unbelievable, but I assure you it works) that I need a 2nd person to operate with me.
I'm looking for someone who is adventurous and reliable. Preferable a male; or a female that can do heavy lifting.
I am leaving on September 30th, 2010, in the morning and plan to return October 2nd, 2010. I am going to June 1983 to handle some business.
If you are serious about time travel and are reliable, then please contact me. You do not have to pay anything, but you would have to provide someone to watch my cat for the time we are gone. The only qualifications needed are that you are reliable and that the circumferance of your head is no more than 64cm.
We will be leaving from Bozeman, MT. Let me know if you want to go with me.
Free, currently unused urn
I currently have an empty Urn for free. Had containded my pet dog Dino, but my cat Felix got suspicious, and Dino, well you know, fell. The Urn is still nice enough for another loved pet, or a mother-in-law, or relative of similar likings. Email me for a pickup time and place. Thanks, Josh.
Using a Port-a-Potty
With all the recent postings regarding ettiquette in various sectors of "service", I've decided to post one of my own. I am employed as a Port-a-Potty technician, and I'd appreciate it if you'd take a moment to follow these simple rules the next time you're in one of my outdoor comodes:
(1.) Curb the urge to inscribe your ex-lover's name, telephone number and favorite sexual performance on the inside walls. Even though I met my current wife by calling one of these phone numbers, they're usually just made up or out of service.
(2.) Try to deposit all of your feces inside the sitting platform hole. Some people seem to have trouble with this one, and it is very difficult for me to scrape dried fecal matter from the very porous plastic platform.
(3.) Refrain from writing your initials/gang affiliation on the walls inside the septic unit using your feces.
(4.) I realize it makes a good prank, but please stop tipping the septic unit while your friend is inside with his/her bowels in full action. Someone could be seriously injured while the unit is rolled over with a person inside and/or the fecal matter and urine inside the tank overflows. It creates more of a mess than the prank is worth.
(5.) This one's for the women patrons...kindly deposit your soiled tampons, maxi-pads, panty-liners, or whatever menstrual cycle fluid absorbant you choose inside the built-in disposal compartment. Some of our lady patrons seem to think the built-in urinal is a good place to dispose of them, but I must say you're misinformed. That feature is designed for male patrons to urinate, and your tampon merely clogs the drain hole.
(6.) Do not attempt to retrieve your cell phone, wallet, nose piercing, penis ring, keys, wedding ring or whatever else you consider valuable and have dropped inside the fecal matter collection bin. As a dedicated Septic Tank Technician, I am entitled to my Tips as well, and as the old saying goes: "finders keepers, losers weepers".
(7.) After performing sexual acts in one of my Port-a-Potty units, kindly discard your soiled condoms and wrappers in the appropriate trash container. Don't simply leave them on the floor for me to pick up later. Your dried semen is more difficult than chewing gum to scrape off the floor.
(8.) Do not smoke in the septic unit. Your feces emit a highly explosive gas, and can ignite when exposed to flame. Serious bodily injury or even death could result!! Besides, I have a security deposit on each of the septic units I'm responsible for.
(9.) Kindly be environmentally aware that using too much toilet paper doesn't necessarily mean better wiping action. Years of research has indicated that, properly used, 2 feet of toilet paper is equally effective as 6 feet in fecal matter absorbing action.
(10.) No matter how creative you may be, please refrain from sticking a fully-loaded wad of toilet paper on the inside walls of the septic unit. Yes, it may present a pleasant art display (when properly dried) for other patrons to enjoy, but it becomes very difficult to remove.
(11.) Be considerate of your fellow citizens waiting to use the septic unit after you. Napping and/or sleeping in one of our septic units is prohibited. If you're that tired, go to the rest room at your local bus depot.
Well, thank you for taking the time to read my post. Think of me the next time you're out and about and feel the sudden urge to relieve your bowels/bladder. Have a nice day!!
Sex and Periods.
Ahhh, Sunday morning - my favorite time of the week. The house is quiet; the coffee is brewing; and I'm sitting in front of my computer anticipating another one of life's wonderful little pleasures: perusing Craigslist's Casual Encounters. There is nothing quite as satisfying (and, dare I say, stimulating?) as scrolling through the smorgasbord of sexual delights that is offered free-of-charge via Craig's Online Hook-Up Service.
"lookin 4 a guy who is hott ready to have fun and get me off not just sex but mentally as well be cute or dont aply be with in my age younger is ok and will consider a suga daddy!!! have fun good luck"
This sounds great...doesn't it? (I'm hott, cute, and would be a good suga daddy!) But what about her periods? Is she old enough to have periods? Is she missing her periods? Maybe she's too embarrassed to include periods in her posting. This has got to stop! There is no reason why women can't use periods in their postings when they are offering sex. It's natural; it's normal; people will understand; and, frankly, it just makes sense. Why should women be embarrassed about periods, or be afraid to use them in their postings? Sure, sometimes periods are a pain, sometimes they can be an inconvenience, and sometimes it's just easier to skip them, but there is no reason why sex and periods can't go together.
I enjoy my Sunday-morning trolling, but I'll take my sex with periods (and exclamation marks!)...anytime. Period.
Top Ten Most Overused Phrases in Personal Ads
Below is my list of the Top Ten Most Overused Phrases In Personal Ads. If YOUR ad does not contain any of the following phrases, please contact me immediately!
10) "I live life to the fullest!"
(Is this really the most profound philosophical statement you can come up with? Dig a little deeper, Nietzsche.)
9) "Loves to laugh" or "Fun-loving"
(Alright! A person who enjoys laughter and fun. What a rare individual; I must meet her at once. Just once I'd like to see "loves to sob uncontrollably for days on end.")
8) "I'm ____ years old but I look MUCH younger!"
(Sure you do. And if I just did a couple more sit-ups, I could still make the Giants starting lineup. Is self-delusion great or what?)
7) "I'm a down to earth..."
(If I see this phrase one more time, I'll... I'll... I don't know WHAT I'll do! I might be forced to actually turn off my computer and go interact with people in the REAL world. Okay, I probably wouldn't do anything THAT drastic. But you get the idea.)
6) "I can go from jeans to a cocktail dress in 10 minutes!"
(You must be very proud. I can't believe they haven't made this an Olympic event yet.)
5) "I'm a intelegent..."
(If you can't SPELL intelligent... do you see where I'm going with this? Class? Anyone?)
4) "I'm a typical (insert astrological sign here)."
(Astrology? Yeah, it's a science. I think they use it at NASA. I don't even know where to begin here. If you're looking for some insight into the nature of my character, don't ask me what my sign is. Talk to the Easter Bunny, he has the real inside track on me.)
3) "I don't have a pic, but trust me, you won't be disappointed!"
(Trust me, I will.)
2) "Looking for THE ONE" or "Looking for my Soulmate"
(Really? These are the most fresh and original lines you can come up with? Your mother and I had such high hopes for you. Oh well, there's always trade school.)
And the Number One Most Overused Phrase In A Personal Ad is...
1) "Don't worry, I plan to loose [sic] the weight real soon."
(Ok, it's probably just me, but why am I still worried?)
Put them all together, and the end result usually looks something like this....
"Fun-loving, down-to-earth woman with 5 kids from 5 different fathers seeks a intelegint guy who loves to laugh. Must be in shape! I'm temporarily 50 pounds overweight, but don't worry, I plan to loose the weight right after I finish these fries! Must look like Brad Pitt and be no older than 35! I'm 49 but I look MUCH younger! I don't have a pic, but trust me, you won't be disappointed! I'm a Libra so I live life to the fullest! I get along best with Geminis who have six-figure incomes! Must have a big heart and a bigger house, cuz the landlord just kicked us out!"
(Well, as long you have realistic expectations.)
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE...
Free Cello
So my sister gave me this cello a couple years ago. It's a nice cello. Actually, it's a great cello. It's probably the best cello, but I don't really know much about cellos. Also the neck snapped off. Of the cello. So it's really more like 3/4's of a cello, but the other 1/4's still there, it's just not attached. It's kind of like you're getting two cellos, only one of them doesn't have a body and the other doesn't have a neck. But if you stand them up next to each other it's like old times. You could probably fix it with like some music glue or something like that.
She also gave me a cello bag that I can give to you too, now that I won't have a cello. It's a really nice cello bag. You can fit everything in it. Actually, there might even be a bow in the bag, I'm not sure. I don't want you to think that there's 100% a bow in the bag. It's way over there, I can't check right now. But if it's in there it's yours.
If you're like me and you don't know how to play the cello then you could use it as a coin bank. It's hollow and there are two S's on the front that you could drop the coins through. Then when it's filled up you could drop it off of your roof or carry it around like a change purse. Ooh, in the cello bag. It'd be like a cello purse. I'd do it but I'm moving across the country and it won't fit in my car. What else could you do with it. You could saw the front off and use it as a sled. Or give the neck to a baby as like a wizard stick for Christmas. Totally give this cello to someone for Christmas. Or Hanukkah.
Please come get it. I'm in Echo Park. I'd actually go somewhere to meet you if wherever we're going is a cool place. Like the desert or something.
I'm 90% certain the bow's in there.
OOOOHHHHH this might have to be a regular post for me!! This was fun and my belly is now sore. The good kinda sore!
Time Travel
I have a functioning time machine (i know it sounds unbelievable, but I assure you it works) that I need a 2nd person to operate with me.
I'm looking for someone who is adventurous and reliable. Preferable a male; or a female that can do heavy lifting.
I am leaving on September 30th, 2010, in the morning and plan to return October 2nd, 2010. I am going to June 1983 to handle some business.
If you are serious about time travel and are reliable, then please contact me. You do not have to pay anything, but you would have to provide someone to watch my cat for the time we are gone. The only qualifications needed are that you are reliable and that the circumferance of your head is no more than 64cm.
We will be leaving from Bozeman, MT. Let me know if you want to go with me.
Free, currently unused urn
I currently have an empty Urn for free. Had containded my pet dog Dino, but my cat Felix got suspicious, and Dino, well you know, fell. The Urn is still nice enough for another loved pet, or a mother-in-law, or relative of similar likings. Email me for a pickup time and place. Thanks, Josh.
Using a Port-a-Potty
With all the recent postings regarding ettiquette in various sectors of "service", I've decided to post one of my own. I am employed as a Port-a-Potty technician, and I'd appreciate it if you'd take a moment to follow these simple rules the next time you're in one of my outdoor comodes:
(1.) Curb the urge to inscribe your ex-lover's name, telephone number and favorite sexual performance on the inside walls. Even though I met my current wife by calling one of these phone numbers, they're usually just made up or out of service.
(2.) Try to deposit all of your feces inside the sitting platform hole. Some people seem to have trouble with this one, and it is very difficult for me to scrape dried fecal matter from the very porous plastic platform.
(3.) Refrain from writing your initials/gang affiliation on the walls inside the septic unit using your feces.
(4.) I realize it makes a good prank, but please stop tipping the septic unit while your friend is inside with his/her bowels in full action. Someone could be seriously injured while the unit is rolled over with a person inside and/or the fecal matter and urine inside the tank overflows. It creates more of a mess than the prank is worth.
(5.) This one's for the women patrons...kindly deposit your soiled tampons, maxi-pads, panty-liners, or whatever menstrual cycle fluid absorbant you choose inside the built-in disposal compartment. Some of our lady patrons seem to think the built-in urinal is a good place to dispose of them, but I must say you're misinformed. That feature is designed for male patrons to urinate, and your tampon merely clogs the drain hole.
(6.) Do not attempt to retrieve your cell phone, wallet, nose piercing, penis ring, keys, wedding ring or whatever else you consider valuable and have dropped inside the fecal matter collection bin. As a dedicated Septic Tank Technician, I am entitled to my Tips as well, and as the old saying goes: "finders keepers, losers weepers".
(7.) After performing sexual acts in one of my Port-a-Potty units, kindly discard your soiled condoms and wrappers in the appropriate trash container. Don't simply leave them on the floor for me to pick up later. Your dried semen is more difficult than chewing gum to scrape off the floor.
(8.) Do not smoke in the septic unit. Your feces emit a highly explosive gas, and can ignite when exposed to flame. Serious bodily injury or even death could result!! Besides, I have a security deposit on each of the septic units I'm responsible for.
(9.) Kindly be environmentally aware that using too much toilet paper doesn't necessarily mean better wiping action. Years of research has indicated that, properly used, 2 feet of toilet paper is equally effective as 6 feet in fecal matter absorbing action.
(10.) No matter how creative you may be, please refrain from sticking a fully-loaded wad of toilet paper on the inside walls of the septic unit. Yes, it may present a pleasant art display (when properly dried) for other patrons to enjoy, but it becomes very difficult to remove.
(11.) Be considerate of your fellow citizens waiting to use the septic unit after you. Napping and/or sleeping in one of our septic units is prohibited. If you're that tired, go to the rest room at your local bus depot.
Well, thank you for taking the time to read my post. Think of me the next time you're out and about and feel the sudden urge to relieve your bowels/bladder. Have a nice day!!
Sex and Periods.
Ahhh, Sunday morning - my favorite time of the week. The house is quiet; the coffee is brewing; and I'm sitting in front of my computer anticipating another one of life's wonderful little pleasures: perusing Craigslist's Casual Encounters. There is nothing quite as satisfying (and, dare I say, stimulating?) as scrolling through the smorgasbord of sexual delights that is offered free-of-charge via Craig's Online Hook-Up Service.
"lookin 4 a guy who is hott ready to have fun and get me off not just sex but mentally as well be cute or dont aply be with in my age younger is ok and will consider a suga daddy!!! have fun good luck"
This sounds great...doesn't it? (I'm hott, cute, and would be a good suga daddy!) But what about her periods? Is she old enough to have periods? Is she missing her periods? Maybe she's too embarrassed to include periods in her posting. This has got to stop! There is no reason why women can't use periods in their postings when they are offering sex. It's natural; it's normal; people will understand; and, frankly, it just makes sense. Why should women be embarrassed about periods, or be afraid to use them in their postings? Sure, sometimes periods are a pain, sometimes they can be an inconvenience, and sometimes it's just easier to skip them, but there is no reason why sex and periods can't go together.
I enjoy my Sunday-morning trolling, but I'll take my sex with periods (and exclamation marks!)...anytime. Period.
Top Ten Most Overused Phrases in Personal Ads
Below is my list of the Top Ten Most Overused Phrases In Personal Ads. If YOUR ad does not contain any of the following phrases, please contact me immediately!
10) "I live life to the fullest!"
(Is this really the most profound philosophical statement you can come up with? Dig a little deeper, Nietzsche.)
9) "Loves to laugh" or "Fun-loving"
(Alright! A person who enjoys laughter and fun. What a rare individual; I must meet her at once. Just once I'd like to see "loves to sob uncontrollably for days on end.")
8) "I'm ____ years old but I look MUCH younger!"
(Sure you do. And if I just did a couple more sit-ups, I could still make the Giants starting lineup. Is self-delusion great or what?)
7) "I'm a down to earth..."
(If I see this phrase one more time, I'll... I'll... I don't know WHAT I'll do! I might be forced to actually turn off my computer and go interact with people in the REAL world. Okay, I probably wouldn't do anything THAT drastic. But you get the idea.)
6) "I can go from jeans to a cocktail dress in 10 minutes!"
(You must be very proud. I can't believe they haven't made this an Olympic event yet.)
5) "I'm a intelegent..."
(If you can't SPELL intelligent... do you see where I'm going with this? Class? Anyone?)
4) "I'm a typical (insert astrological sign here)."
(Astrology? Yeah, it's a science. I think they use it at NASA. I don't even know where to begin here. If you're looking for some insight into the nature of my character, don't ask me what my sign is. Talk to the Easter Bunny, he has the real inside track on me.)
3) "I don't have a pic, but trust me, you won't be disappointed!"
(Trust me, I will.)
2) "Looking for THE ONE" or "Looking for my Soulmate"
(Really? These are the most fresh and original lines you can come up with? Your mother and I had such high hopes for you. Oh well, there's always trade school.)
And the Number One Most Overused Phrase In A Personal Ad is...
1) "Don't worry, I plan to loose [sic] the weight real soon."
(Ok, it's probably just me, but why am I still worried?)
Put them all together, and the end result usually looks something like this....
"Fun-loving, down-to-earth woman with 5 kids from 5 different fathers seeks a intelegint guy who loves to laugh. Must be in shape! I'm temporarily 50 pounds overweight, but don't worry, I plan to loose the weight right after I finish these fries! Must look like Brad Pitt and be no older than 35! I'm 49 but I look MUCH younger! I don't have a pic, but trust me, you won't be disappointed! I'm a Libra so I live life to the fullest! I get along best with Geminis who have six-figure incomes! Must have a big heart and a bigger house, cuz the landlord just kicked us out!"
(Well, as long you have realistic expectations.)
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE...
Free Cello
So my sister gave me this cello a couple years ago. It's a nice cello. Actually, it's a great cello. It's probably the best cello, but I don't really know much about cellos. Also the neck snapped off. Of the cello. So it's really more like 3/4's of a cello, but the other 1/4's still there, it's just not attached. It's kind of like you're getting two cellos, only one of them doesn't have a body and the other doesn't have a neck. But if you stand them up next to each other it's like old times. You could probably fix it with like some music glue or something like that.
She also gave me a cello bag that I can give to you too, now that I won't have a cello. It's a really nice cello bag. You can fit everything in it. Actually, there might even be a bow in the bag, I'm not sure. I don't want you to think that there's 100% a bow in the bag. It's way over there, I can't check right now. But if it's in there it's yours.
If you're like me and you don't know how to play the cello then you could use it as a coin bank. It's hollow and there are two S's on the front that you could drop the coins through. Then when it's filled up you could drop it off of your roof or carry it around like a change purse. Ooh, in the cello bag. It'd be like a cello purse. I'd do it but I'm moving across the country and it won't fit in my car. What else could you do with it. You could saw the front off and use it as a sled. Or give the neck to a baby as like a wizard stick for Christmas. Totally give this cello to someone for Christmas. Or Hanukkah.
Please come get it. I'm in Echo Park. I'd actually go somewhere to meet you if wherever we're going is a cool place. Like the desert or something.
I'm 90% certain the bow's in there.
OOOOHHHHH this might have to be a regular post for me!! This was fun and my belly is now sore. The good kinda sore!
TLC Off It's Rocker
Just watched about 10 minutes of Sister Wives. Because 11 minutes would have been too much. TLC claims this show is "educational" and can help us learn about this alternate lifestyle. Here's the thing, I don't need to know how polygamy works. I know how it works, but I don't understand it. I love my husband and I'm very territorial, so if he were to come home and say "Ya know, honey, I really do love you but this marriage is missing something... how's about we try another wife?" I'd probably poop myself. Even besides that, what's the functionality of it?? This guy looks like he's about to lose his mind going from one side of the house to the other (oh yeah, the wives all have their own parts to this special house, so it's not even "one big happy family") taking care of kids, paying bills, yadayadayada. Why would ANYONE chose this kind of stressful, hectic lifestyle?
Now I know that this is just a different culture than mine and this is what they've been raised with. If I had been raised wearing bubble wrap as clothing, I'd probably never think it was weird. But no matter how I cut it, I can't get over the fact that this lifestyle appears to be based off of a superficial need for more. This guy can use his beliefs as an excuse to seek out a newer, younger model. I refuse to believe that his family "needs" another wife because my marriage does just fine with one. My parents have been married for 33 years and it hasn't been easy, but they have needed anything but another woman to make it work.
And another thing I can't wrap my head around is WHY is it ok to need more wives but not more husbands? This could easily be flipped and it'd be JUST as ridiculous. But that's not allowed. Men can seek out what they need, but the wives, oh no... they are committed to this difficult life of splitting their time with other wives and are left to deal with their personal problems on their own. Almost every other minute on the show, one of them is crying, and the minutes that no one is crying, someone is admitting something negative they feel about this lifestyle. I feel so bad for these women, but again- they've chosen this. Why is beyond me. And I have a theory about Meri, the first wife and the only legal one. They married knowing that this was the life they would lead. And she'd never admit it, she claims to support this but everything about her expression screams, "SOMEONE SAVE ME!!!" I have a strong feeling that this woman hates this life. If my suspicions are correct... who could blame her?
And the kids!!!! These kids are just expected to feel okay with this!!! This can't be a normal upbringing. The kids are literally thrown into a community pot, and the wives can just grab them as needed. Oh, you need a self-centered teen, you say? I'm pretty sure we've got one or to of those lying around... you need a cute, snot nosed toddler? We've got 6! This can't be healthy!!!
As I said, this is a a culture that I just don't understand. I respect other religious beliefs but this just doesn't seem religious to me. I don't see how polygamist men are anything but self centered and strive to get what they want. They provide for their families financially but are not expected to provide the basic relationship needs to their wives. I try to look at everything with an open mind... but this is just nuts. Pure insanity.
On a side note, terrible shows are usually easy to spot, if by nothing else, by the caliber of commercials that come with them. Example: I saw an infomercial while watching this show for "Pajama Jeans" which are basically blue stretch pants with the stitching printed on them. As if I needed any more reasons to change the channel, but it's like a car wreck. You hate to look, you know you shouldn't, but you just can't help but stare with that quasi horrified/confused look on your face. Hey, if TLC put it out there for all to see, stare away, rubber neckers, stare away.
Now I know that this is just a different culture than mine and this is what they've been raised with. If I had been raised wearing bubble wrap as clothing, I'd probably never think it was weird. But no matter how I cut it, I can't get over the fact that this lifestyle appears to be based off of a superficial need for more. This guy can use his beliefs as an excuse to seek out a newer, younger model. I refuse to believe that his family "needs" another wife because my marriage does just fine with one. My parents have been married for 33 years and it hasn't been easy, but they have needed anything but another woman to make it work.
And another thing I can't wrap my head around is WHY is it ok to need more wives but not more husbands? This could easily be flipped and it'd be JUST as ridiculous. But that's not allowed. Men can seek out what they need, but the wives, oh no... they are committed to this difficult life of splitting their time with other wives and are left to deal with their personal problems on their own. Almost every other minute on the show, one of them is crying, and the minutes that no one is crying, someone is admitting something negative they feel about this lifestyle. I feel so bad for these women, but again- they've chosen this. Why is beyond me. And I have a theory about Meri, the first wife and the only legal one. They married knowing that this was the life they would lead. And she'd never admit it, she claims to support this but everything about her expression screams, "SOMEONE SAVE ME!!!" I have a strong feeling that this woman hates this life. If my suspicions are correct... who could blame her?
And the kids!!!! These kids are just expected to feel okay with this!!! This can't be a normal upbringing. The kids are literally thrown into a community pot, and the wives can just grab them as needed. Oh, you need a self-centered teen, you say? I'm pretty sure we've got one or to of those lying around... you need a cute, snot nosed toddler? We've got 6! This can't be healthy!!!
As I said, this is a a culture that I just don't understand. I respect other religious beliefs but this just doesn't seem religious to me. I don't see how polygamist men are anything but self centered and strive to get what they want. They provide for their families financially but are not expected to provide the basic relationship needs to their wives. I try to look at everything with an open mind... but this is just nuts. Pure insanity.
On a side note, terrible shows are usually easy to spot, if by nothing else, by the caliber of commercials that come with them. Example: I saw an infomercial while watching this show for "Pajama Jeans" which are basically blue stretch pants with the stitching printed on them. As if I needed any more reasons to change the channel, but it's like a car wreck. You hate to look, you know you shouldn't, but you just can't help but stare with that quasi horrified/confused look on your face. Hey, if TLC put it out there for all to see, stare away, rubber neckers, stare away.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)