^#*&$*(@))!#:"?!@#&*(@!!??@@@!}@^%#(!!!!!!!

There just are not words... I am at a loss for words... I am utterly speechless... I'm gonna try this, don't get me wrong... but it might turn out to be a disorganized jumble of nonsensical nonsense. Which is pretty much what it looks like in my head, so hey, you'll be seeing it exactly how I envisioned it.

Anyone seen the previews for Never Say Never yet? Anybody? Anyone? Bueller... Bueller... {crickets} For the lucky people who get to say no to this question, I will enlighten you. But I cannot guarantee that it won't sneak up on you like a ninja rapist in the middle of a night where you chose to sleep with the window open because it's oh-so-nice outside. If you aren't able to dive for the remote in time, you are likely to be scarred. Like me.

Pop quiz... who is my least favorite celebrity teen in the whole wide world? If you said Miley Cyrus, you'd have been right. Okay, second least favorite... That Bieber creature. This movie that is coming soon (the release date has been blocked from my memory, something about repressing the damaging thoughts) is about HIM!!!! Hold up, gotta puke... Alright, done for n... wait... yeah, I think I'm done. For a few minutes anyway. This kid is what, 12? I'm pretty sure he's a little older, but he's frozen in time for me, because he doesn't appear to have aged since some talent scout fell and did some serious marble damage and signed this nitwit. Yeah, I called him a nitwit. What of it? Michael Jackson got a movie, but he had to die first. Oh and he'd been doing it his ENTIRE life. He died at 50, so I'm pretty sure he'd been at the entertainment game for like 55 years. No that was no typo, I meant 55. Plus, Michael Jackson was a "suspected" pedophile and is STILL considered a legend. That, and he was just an odd bloke, let's all admit it. But nobody cared because we got Thriller, Smooth Criminal and Billie Jean out of it, and he made Free Willy worth seeing because of the awesome soundtrack. So let's go back to my mind-f*** of the day... the year, really, I've hit my shock and disgust quota, anymore might cause me to keel over and become self-comatose. The Bieber creature has been doing this for five minutes compared to Michael "Yes, I DID invent the moonwalk!" Jackson. And he gets a movie?? I've won plenty of grammys in my shower, where's MY movie?? Ugh... And the worst part of all this? If I decide to see a movie in the next few months, I'm gonna have to sit outside the movie theater until the previews are over just to ensure that I miss any further tainting. And all my TV shows will have to be DVRed so I can fast forward the commercials just to further ascertain that I will miss seeing this... this... SHIT again in the comfort of my own home. And did I mention they feel the need to broadcast this waste of money in 3D??? Umm... no thanks, if I wanted the FULL Bieber creature experience, I'd go to a concert. But I don't want to, so I won't. I won't even see the movie so this really doesn't pertain to me. I am not the target audience.

And bullet-in-my-head OH EM GEEEEEE!!! My step daughter has decided she likes the music of said swamp creature. I'm gonna have to damper that shit STAT!!! When she comes back on Wednesday I'm just gonna tell her he died. And his music died with him. Sorry toots.

And this has inspired me to post a sign on my door... Ya know how people post those "no soliciting" signs on their doors? I'm gonna post on that says "Bieber Free Zone" and anyone who mentions his name or music will get kicked to the curb. And banned permanently. OOOO Maybe I can teach my dog to respond to "Bieber" as an attack word... hmmm...

Celebrity Rehab: All the Cool Kids Are Doing It

I am so over the Lindsay Lohan bullshit. She must live by the mantra "negative publicity is still publicity." And get this- she's not convinced that her career is over. She still thinks she has a chance to get back on the big screen. My thoughts? That bus left the depot a long time ago.

Making movies is still a business, and for those of you who don't know how making movies work, the studios don't just have several millions of dollars laying around to hand over to these already over-paid actors. Sure, they've got part of it. But a good majority of the cash is provided by investing companies and sometimes the people actually working on the movie, in exchange for a salary and a percentage of the sales. It is a for-profit business, period. Now I don't know about you, but if I had tons of money (that's a nice thought, let me sit on that one for a minute......... ok, I'm done) and were approached to back a movie production, I'd take a serious look at the factors, like any responsible investor. Timeline, a good plot and reliable employees would be the first thing I'd look at. Lindsay Lohan would be a name that would scream "HEAD FOR THE HILLS!!!" Bottom line? Who is going to want to hire this hot mess who has made a career out of being, well... a hot mess. I just don't get it. Why would she think anyone is going to want to hire her after all that she's been through?? I can't speak for the rest of the population, but the only factor influencing me to see a Lohan flick is curiosity.

How do you solve a problem like Lohan? I know, I know!!! Cut her off. Seriously, if I had a downward spiraling celebrity relative or friend, I would cut that bitch off. Her agent, her family, her manager, everyone needs to just back the &*$% off!!! Oh, and step the paparazzi up a notch. A big one. Think about it, losing all your resources and probably your money in the process and still having to deal with those idiots running around with cameras? OOOO that'd be funny! To quote a favorite reality show of mine, Intervention, an addict has to hit their rock bottom before they are put in a position to change. How does someone with money and celebrity status, albeit bad celebrity status, hit a rock bottom? I guess they can't. My idea is now flawed. Bummer.

Seriously though, what is it with these nuts in Hollywood practically seeking out rehab? Lindsay Lohan- drug addict, Jesse James- sex addict, Demi Lovato- eating disorders, David Arquett- alcoholic... it's almost considered a career boost when you start to fade into the background. Again, I guess negative publicity is still publicity. The only celebrity I've ever seen (that I can think of at the moment) literally go from the very bottom to the very top is Robert Downey, Jr. He really had it bad for a while, but he cleaned up, disappeared for a while, and now he's making top 10 movies left and right. But it's taken him over a decade to go from one to the other!! So this is clearly not a career booster!! Had he not gone through the issues that he did, he'd have 10 years of good work that he doesn't have now. I just don't understand why people expect the opposite these days. Or maybe it's just the cool thing to do... maybe Miley Cyrus will be the next to go and I can have a break from that bitch for a while.

Now Available: One Slightly Abused, Gorgeous Hunk of Male

Good news for Ryan Reynolds fans- He's officially filed for divorce from Scarlet Slut-hansson. I'm married, so I'm not exactly in a position to take a number for this sex-on-a-stick actor, but there are plenty of better women out there for him than her. Then again, my husband did wake me up at 4:30 in the morning to share this bit of happy news with me, still trying to figure that one out.

Here's my thing about Scarlet- sure, she's pretty, and she's not a bad actress. But she clearly has a thing or two to learn about relationships. She was the one to first bring up divorce, but they agreed he'd file so she wouldn't have to be the bad guy. Umm... this is stupid. As a divorcee myself, here's a tip for those who haven't been there: there is always a "bad guy". And it's typically the person who first asks for the divorce, when the rest of the bloody-gorey details are kept private. This is clearly one of those cases. I have several friends who were the petitioner in their divorces, but I'm close enough to them to know that the reasons behind the filing were not their fault. But outsiders who don't have the privileged information as to exactly what went wrong typically don't see it that way. My divorce was one of these cases. My ex-husband was a bad person, and very few people knew it. His actions that caused me to leave him where out of character for the guy everyone else knew. I'm the bad guy in my divorce, because to everyone else, it looked like I just up and left. This was not the case. But to be frank, I don't give a shit. It's no one's business but mine and my family's. I'm used to having a less than desirable reputation, what's one more rumor to my credit? The people I care about know the truth and that's all that matters.

Ryan Reynolds has always struck me as very mature, very well-carried individual. Anything but the Van Wilder character he started out as, basically. Apparently the "real" reason behind the divorce was that they spent too much time apart. I don't buy this. Scarlet has been hanging out with her ex, Jared Leto, quite a bit throughout her marriage, and has been leaning on a lot of male celebrity buddies of hers for support through this. It's more likely that she just wasn't ready for marriage, wasn't ready to be unavailable and decided to bow out. Which is fine! I don't see why people aren't honest about their divorces, this happens allll the time. My husband's ex-wife just split with her boyfriend of 3 1/2 years and he is just now learning from us why she and my husband divorced in the first place. OK, she was a whore... I can see why people don't share that. But there is an immense amount of respect out there for people who can cop up to their mistakes and admit they made a booboo. I don't know why that's been thrown out the window. As bad as my ex is, I made my mistakes too. Plenty of them, I never claimed to be perfect.

No matter what the story is, anyone who's been divorced is a schmuck. Whether they were the guilty party or they were crazy enough to stay with a son-of-a-silly person, there's a schmuck hat for everyone. And I imagine these hats look something like berets with little springs where that wee button is, and on the top of that spring is a goofy little ball. Like those Jack in the Box heads for car antennas. Only sillier.

We Need New Role Models!!!!!

Yep, it's a two post kinda day for me. While we're on the oh-so-lovely subject of finance from this morning, I'd like to share a bit of news I just read on Google News- The Kardashian pre-paid debit card marketed to teens has been cancelled. Only two words come to mind...

THANK GOD!!!

This was such a bad idea, these are not the kind of girls you want influencing your kids. They may not be bad people, but certainly not who come to mind when I try to think of good financial role models. Didn't Kim have a shopping addiction at one point? Hmm... Yeah, let's let them teach kids how to balance a check book. That sounds smart.

Not only was this a dumb idea before the details were even finalized, it was so much more expensive than it was worth. Started at $99.95 for a year or $59.95 for six months, then $7.95 per month after that. Now let's think about this for a second... the whole point of this card was to teach teenagers how to manage their money. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't part of having good financial habits saving money where you can? These fees were MUCH higher than other pre-paid cards and even full service bank accounts. The message about these cards was not "use our card to help build solid banking habits and learn how to make good financial decisions." No, no... it was more like "pay us lots of money to use our card with our pretty, pretty pictures on it so you can pretend to be one of the cool kids and spend your allowance in plastic form." Apparently there were text features that kids could check their balances on, and again, not encouraging saving money. I pay for the unlimited text add on with Verizon for this purpose, and I get my money's worth. I makes me some good money choices, ma! Most people don't have this, especially parents of teenagers. Unlimited texts means unlimited distractions. So when they get all excited and check their balance after every purchase, they just spent $20 to check their balance 10 times in one day. Good managing of finances, I think not.

Here's another part of this that's just beyond me... if you're a high profile, good role model celebrity, you know it. If they had a Natalie Portman pre-paid card or a Kate Hudson pre-paid card, I could see that. Where are those cards? Those would be handy. And they probably wouldn't cost an arm and a leg to have. The Kardashians HAVE to know that they aren't America's favorite sisters. More like America's favorite eye-roll. Their show is appropriately titled, Keeping Up With the Kardashians. This just screams "high-strung." I'm sorry but I have enough trouble keeping up with my own family, why would I want to keep up with yours? No thanks.

Eenie Meenie Miney WTF?!

Oye vey. What with sleeping through my alarm this morning (it's another coffee day for me) and recovering from the drama this weekend, I'm drained. I usually spend my mornings surfing through Google news looking at random tidbits that toot my flute.

Justin Bieber is alll over it this morning. If I could throw Google news in the trash right now, I would. I hate this kid. Sure he can sing... until he hits puberty. He'll be like the one-hit wonder on crack, considering he's had maybe 3 or 4. He's overstayed his welcome bigtime. I don't consider the ability to croon repetitive, get stuck in your head songs like a 10 year old choir boy to be that noteworthy. I can't even get past the stupid haircut- looks like a helmet. Sure, he's not that bad at singing but the first time I heard him, I thought he was a girl. There is something wrong with this. Maybe it's appropriate then that he's coming out with women's perfume.

For anyone reading this thinking I'm just jealous, you're waaay off. Sure, he's got boo coos of money and is one of pop's favorite stars right now, but it's short lived. Young singers who are good never last that long. Why would I want 15 minutes of fame that lasts almost literally 15 minutes? Look at Billy Gilman. He was great when he first came out, but once he started getting older, he went poof. Not really a bad thing, that kid gave me the creeps. And from my observations, the faster you rise, the faster you fall. This Bieber character was quite literally an overnight star. Take Rihanna for example. She was almost the same way. Almost. She came out with some popular music, kids and adults liked it, but then she kinda coasted for a while. Her agents didn't shove her down our throats around every corner. Now she's Beyonce's only competition, in my opinion. That takes strategy. Now she's pumping out hits left and right and ya know what? She's good. Very good. Because here's another point about the music part of this. Rihanna's music was the kind that could be appreciated by all ages. Justin Bieber's music is really for teens and under only. Baby and Eeenie Meenie are NOT adult caliber songs. He'll be at that age in a few years where that is just the crowd he has to cater to. I don't think that will be an easy transition for him. Whoever is responsible for this needs to realize that when a singer ages, so do their fans, and they have to be able to grow with that. Sorry pedophiles, he won't be 12 forever. Another reason why my theory stands that he won't last long... how many adult white men are in R&B, Hip Hop and Rap? Eminem is the only name that comes to mind, maybe it's because I'm trying to think of names and they just aren't coming to me. The adult white male solo artists usually have something to them that makes them different. John Mayer plays the Fender Strat like nobody's business, Michael Buble gives us new age stuff with a classic sound and Rob Thomas used Matchbox 20 to get where he is before he went solo. Notice, none of these guys are in any of the previously mentioned genres. They are not easy to break into and even harder to stay in. Period.

And another aspect of this kid that I am just not buying... if he weren't famous, he'd be the joke of the day for everyone around him. NO ONE dresses like that every day in the real world. And he's not that good-looking either. It's amazing what a record deal and a couple of pop songs can do for a person. Then again, Owen Wilson is another excellent example of this. He'd be such a goober, and not the good kind, if he didn't have talent.

Happy, Sappy News

What with Eva Longoria's divorce, the shooting the TV thing on Dancing With the Stars (something about Bristol Palin?) and Lindsay Lohan's mission for attention, let's talk about happy things in the news today!

Pink is preggers!! I didn't see that one coming either, but I'm not sure why. She's happily married and keeps outdoing herself! I LOVE Pink, she's badass. Literally, this is one woman I'd be scared to piss off. She's got an amazing voice and is a fabulous entertainer. And no, she isn't filtered. I know this because I saw her in concert waaaaay back when she was opening for N*Sync. This was not one of those touring together openers, it was more like a "2 or 3 songs and then booted off the stage" kinda opener. She wasn't special enough back then to waste money on for live filtering. Even so, she was a great performer back then too. Kind of a funky Inspector Gadget theme, but that was cool back then. I was 11, STFU.

Another piece of news that makes me all warm and tingly- Ryan Reynolds was named Sexiest Man Alive by People magazine. It's ABOUT DAMN TIME!! That man is so gorgeous... cue the ending of Wolverine: Origins. Need I say more? In all actuality, that actor wasn't him but I don't care. It was him in my head and I fail to see the difference. Back to my point: I find this well-deserved title pretty ironic because his wife was named Sexiest Woman of the Year a while back, only to be retracted later when a poll was actually done and a shocking majority of men said "um, no!" I don't hear anyone fighting Ryan Reynolds' glory now, must make her feel like ass. She should, she's not exactly sex on a stick.

And congrats are in order for Prince Willy and Miss Kate! How exciting, they have been inching towards a marriage for what, 3 years now? I thought they were already engaged but umm... I lied? He gave her his mama's engagement ring, and for anyone reading this after being in a coma for 15 years, Princess Di died in 1997. This Kate Middleton character is probably scared out of her booties wearing this ring. It's this pretty big ol' honkin' oval sapphire surrounded by diamonds and apparently it's the center of the universe in the UK. Can you blame them? Most of the world hasn't gotten over her death yet. And this huge piece of history is on one person's finger... talk about pressure. I'd put that sucker in a vault surrounded by a mote with sharks with freakin' laser beams on their heads. I can't even keep my own shit in order, much less this treasured artifact once worn by one of the world's favorite people. More power to Kate if she can manage to not drop it down the sink. I'd love to see that conversation- "Umm.... honnney?? Can you swim across the Atlantic and then call me so I can tell you something?"

I occasionally have to look up happy news to perk myself up, on days much like today. Not that it brings me joy to see others having a grand ol' time, but because I take pleasure in fast forwarding to the future and the negative news I'll read on these same topics. I'm such a negative nelly. :-)

Jessica Simpson and Who????

Just read on Google news that Jessica Simpson just got engaged to some bloke named Eric Johnson. The only description of him is that he's an "ex-football player." Doesn't say he was NFL or anything. Hmm... I have no idea who this guy is. I find it strangely suspicious that this is oh-so-closely following her ex-husband Nick Lachey's recent engagement. Supposedly she said just last month that this Eric character is "just a friend." It's almost like she heard about Nick's upcoming nuptials and scrambled for someone to marry so she could be engaged too. How dare he get remarried before her, what nerve. Ugh. She could have just made another reality show for it, Who Wants to Be a Newlywed? It would have certainly turned some spotlights (albeit, negative ones) in her direction for the first time in years. I looked at the grand total of 6 pictures of Jessica and Eric together and they do NOT look like they are in love. I'll give them this, they do look like a couple, but not one about to walk down the aisle by any means. I hate keeping up with celebrity relationships. I can never tell how much of it is publicity and how much are real relationships. Some are just too perfect or crazy or convenient to be anything but fake.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are an excellent example of this. I don't know how much more I can say about these two that hasn't already been said. He's batshit crazy. She doesn't appear to be that happy, nowhere near the state of ecstasy she was in when they first met. Welcome to the real world, toots. He's become a quite outspoken yutz and I have a theory that he's struggling with the fact that he's not the hot young stud he was a million years ago. Most people can agree that we can watch Top Gun and War of the Worlds back to back and see a HUGE difference, like it's a completely different actor. I think that Katie just married him to live out the dream most girls born in the 70's and 80's had- grow up and marry Tom Cruise. Childhood infatuations should stay in the past, because this has obviously not panned out the way she'd thought it would. Duh. I wanted to grow up and be a unicorn, and needless to say, my goals have changed a bit since then.

And a more recent marriage that has my mind in a tizzy is Russell Brand and Katy Perry. Honestly, a cute couple and they are both a little kooky so it could work but this relationship has me singing "D-I-V-O-R-C-E" in my head anyway. They didn't seem to be together that long before the engagement and these two strike me as nothing if not impulsive. They clearly love attention, so what could be better than getting it by marrying an equally flamboyant counterpart? The really good thing they have going for them is that so far, they've kept things pretty private. Spotlights and marriages don't like each other, it's been proven. They mixed spotlights and wedding rings together in little test tubes and surprise, they blew up.

I really do feel for celebrities, because going back to my views on the show Teen Mom, it's hard to have a healthy relationship with everyone watching. Not only are you being pulled in 10 different directions with fans, promotional events, award shows and actually working, the few seconds you're given alone each day are usually spent wiping your ass. Marriage is tough enough in the normal, average world us ordinary paupers live in. Add boo coos of money, personal assistants, millions of adoring fans and agents telling you what to do and where to be and it'd be a straight up nightmare.