Day 3

OK so today is probably another more serious, boring post. But I don't care, I'm friggin' excited. On Tuesday, I finally threw in the towel on my weight. Seriously. I've been over it for a while, but I'm finally really doing something about it. If the first words that come to your mind are "OMG don't do it, you don't have to! You look great!" then please save them. Thanks, but no thanks. I'm not happy with it. Most of those close to me aren't happy with it. So ya know what that tells me? FIX IT!!

Before I tell you just how I'm losing it, let me start by telling you what I've tried thus far. A million years ago, I tried Quick Weight Loss Centers. I don't remember much about it other than it was very complicated, a lot of measuring and counting and cooking. I was in high school at this point, and it may have lasted about a week. I was just too busy for it to stick. In my experience, these kinds of diets don't usually work. They do for some but successful, permanent change is something for a lot of people that needs to be eased into. These kinds of programs go against that for the most part. More power to you if you can do it, but not everyone can.

Nutrisystem, that shit with all the boring commercials featuring hot, hot stars like Dan Marino... ugh. I have used this program twice. It was very much like Quick Weight Loss Centers, lots of counting, lots of measuring... but no cooking. The entrees for every meal, including snacks, are all mailed to you in this big ol' box. You have to add precisely measured side dishes of certain food groups to each meal, which is the biggest pain in the ass. But it was a bit easier and it worked. I lost about 20 pounds the first time.  The second time, they changed something about the food. The first time I tried it, most of it was okay, some of it was gross but I just didn't eat that stuff. When I ordered it about 2 years after the first time, ALL OF IT tasted like yuckitypoopoo. I dove straight into the dishes I remembered had been tasty. Not so much, even those reliable fall backs were disgusting. So needless to say, what used to work will not always work.

Alli. For those of you who are lucky enough to never have tried this product, let me dissect it for you. The books that come with it explain that a good target fat intake is 3 grams of fat or less per 100 calories in a food item. The bottle clearly states to not eat too much fat. Or else. You had to find out the hard way what happens when you do eat more than that. I'll enlighten you- you poop this really nasty bright orange oil. Oh and it also has a tendency to come out when you fart. Well, what am I super good at? Farting. Yeah, I'm not ashamed, I learned the hard way. Overall, it's an effective plan. BUT it's just a pill with some books and an online site to track your progress. So, we're back to cooking and measuring and counting. This ones a bit easier because there are quite a few good foods that fall into that 3g of fat/100 calorie range but it was still high maintenance. You had to figure most of it out on your own.

I also tried just plain calorie counting and exercise, the longtime proven method for weight loss. But I have no self discipline, and I'm a boredom eater. So this technique just made me tired and hungry and I couldn't stick with it for more than 3 weeks at a time.

I also tried South Beach for like a week. Yuck. That's all I have to say. Another high maintenance one.

Weight loss techniques are different for everyone, if there was a tried-and-true method for everyone, we'd have no obesity problems. I had to find what works for me. Which brings me to what I am currently using. Phentermine. I'm on my 3rd day, and so far, so good. I'm hardly ever hungry, which was my biggest problem. Sitting down with a bag of tortilla chips no longer appeals to me. Which was the plan. A lot of people are against this pill, and I understand why. However, I am using it under a doctor's close supervision and she's helping me learn how to eat right, period. Not just on a diet, but for good. Which is what I needed. I've yet to have any heart racing issues, which is the biggest reported problem on this pill. I'm keeping a close eye on it every day and so far, this seems to be a good method for me. Let me be clear on one thing- I don't condone using pills, and especially this pill, as a first choice for weight loss. I tried a lot of stuff several times before resorting to this. And I have tried to be happy with my weight as is. But I'm not healthy, and that's the biggest part. If this were just my body and if I'd looked like this my whole life, I might be more content with it. But this weight gain is recent and bottom line, I'm not happy with it.

The biggest part of why the counting, measuring and cooking methods don't work for me is simple- my life has always been governed by food. When I'm eating next, where we're eating out, what I'm going to pig out on when I get a night to myself. And the previously mentioned methods of weight loss are pretty much the same thing- my life revolving around food. Not in the same way, but my life would revolve around all the measuring and counting and cooking. And as much as that may sound like a good thing for me, because my life would still revolve around food, it's really not. I want to let go of my grip on food and live my life. Food just needs to fit into that life. As it's convenient for me. The first full day I took the pill, I cannot even describe the happiness I felt, because for the first day in my life that I can remember, I was not thinking about food. And it was amazing!

Another thing about this pill is that when you're off of it, the appetite does come back. But I'm trying to instill rules for myself now and rules for myself for after that I can stick with the make sure I keep it off. For my diet, I've cut sodas and alcohol out completely. My doctor has a great diet rule- don't drink your calories. When I'm off the diet, I just won't keep sodas in the house. On the few (and reduced times) that I go out to eat after the diet, I will have a soda then. But not in the house. And my drinking will be heavily reduced as well, which I feel is just smart anyway, aside from the diet. So yeah, it's a work in progress, but these are realistic rules I can set for myself and stick with. I think I've got a good handle on it.

One might say, "You've lost weight on those plans before, why don't you think they are successful?" I never hit my target weight. I was so overwhelmed by the programs that I would rather quit than keep going. I wasn't happy, I was stressed and irritable. I stopped being excited about losing weight and figured that I could learn to be happy with the weight I had gotten to. It will happen this time, dammit. I'm at the highest weight I've ever been and I'm just not physically comfortable with my weight. Self conscious, yes, but I am physically uncomfortable with my weight. Like I don't fit into my skin. It's hard to get comfortable and relax, and that's another wake up call I've had.

I'm also on a reward system for myself for when I do hit my target weight. I'm pretty much going all out on a make over. There's a long list of things that I will do when I've lost the weight that I've wanted to do for a long time, all geared around helping me feel better about myself. It's always good to learn to accept who you are and be happy with that, but my take on that is if there are things you can easily do, without surgery or drastic measures, to feel better about yourself you should DO THEM!! A few things on my list? Get a new hairstyle. Get on that Latisse stuff and grow my eyelashes a bit more. Get a tan. If such simple, easily attainable things can make me so much happier with what I see in the mirror, why not?

I've poured out a lot of myself here, and that wasn't exactly my plan. But a big part of this for me was to be honest with myself and everyone around me. Posting it for everyone to see is also like another commitment for me. If everyone expects this huge weight loss from me, then I'll feel more pressure to actually stick with it this time. Which is my plan. :-)