My Best of Craigslist

So I discovered the Best of Craigslist link today and O...M...G... HOURS of fun-filled entertainment! Thought I'd share!


Time Travel
I have a functioning time machine (i know it sounds unbelievable, but I assure you it works) that I need a 2nd person to operate with me.
I'm looking for someone who is adventurous and reliable. Preferable a male; or a female that can do heavy lifting.
I am leaving on September 30th, 2010, in the morning and plan to return October 2nd, 2010. I am going to June 1983 to handle some business.
If you are serious about time travel and are reliable, then please contact me. You do not have to pay anything, but you would have to provide someone to watch my cat for the time we are gone. The only qualifications needed are that you are reliable and that the circumferance of your head is no more than 64cm.
We will be leaving from Bozeman, MT. Let me know if you want to go with me.

Free, currently unused urn
I currently have an empty Urn for free. Had containded my pet dog Dino, but my cat Felix got suspicious, and Dino, well you know, fell. The Urn is still nice enough for another loved pet, or a mother-in-law, or relative of similar likings. Email me for a pickup time and place. Thanks, Josh.


Using a Port-a-Potty
With all the recent postings regarding ettiquette in various sectors of "service", I've decided to post one of my own. I am employed as a Port-a-Potty technician, and I'd appreciate it if you'd take a moment to follow these simple rules the next time you're in one of my outdoor comodes: 
(1.) Curb the urge to inscribe your ex-lover's name, telephone number and favorite sexual performance on the inside walls. Even though I met my current wife by calling one of these phone numbers, they're usually just made up or out of service. 
(2.) Try to deposit all of your feces inside the sitting platform hole. Some people seem to have trouble with this one, and it is very difficult for me to scrape dried fecal matter from the very porous plastic platform. 
(3.) Refrain from writing your initials/gang affiliation on the walls inside the septic unit using your feces. 
(4.) I realize it makes a good prank, but please stop tipping the septic unit while your friend is inside with his/her bowels in full action. Someone could be seriously injured while the unit is rolled over with a person inside and/or the fecal matter and urine inside the tank overflows. It creates more of a mess than the prank is worth. 
(5.) This one's for the women patrons...kindly deposit your soiled tampons, maxi-pads, panty-liners, or whatever menstrual cycle fluid absorbant you choose inside the built-in disposal compartment. Some of our lady patrons seem to think the built-in urinal is a good place to dispose of them, but I must say you're misinformed. That feature is designed for male patrons to urinate, and your tampon merely clogs the drain hole. 
(6.) Do not attempt to retrieve your cell phone, wallet, nose piercing, penis ring, keys, wedding ring or whatever else you consider valuable and have dropped inside the fecal matter collection bin. As a dedicated Septic Tank Technician, I am entitled to my Tips as well, and as the old saying goes: "finders keepers, losers weepers". 
(7.) After performing sexual acts in one of my Port-a-Potty units, kindly discard your soiled condoms and wrappers in the appropriate trash container. Don't simply leave them on the floor for me to pick up later. Your dried semen is more difficult than chewing gum to scrape off the floor. 
(8.) Do not smoke in the septic unit. Your feces emit a highly explosive gas, and can ignite when exposed to flame. Serious bodily injury or even death could result!! Besides, I have a security deposit on each of the septic units I'm responsible for. 
(9.) Kindly be environmentally aware that using too much toilet paper doesn't necessarily mean better wiping action. Years of research has indicated that, properly used, 2 feet of toilet paper is equally effective as 6 feet in fecal matter absorbing action. 
(10.) No matter how creative you may be, please refrain from sticking a fully-loaded wad of toilet paper on the inside walls of the septic unit. Yes, it may present a pleasant art display (when properly dried) for other patrons to enjoy, but it becomes very difficult to remove. 
(11.) Be considerate of your fellow citizens waiting to use the septic unit after you. Napping and/or sleeping in one of our septic units is prohibited. If you're that tired, go to the rest room at your local bus depot. 
Well, thank you for taking the time to read my post. Think of me the next time you're out and about and feel the sudden urge to relieve your bowels/bladder. Have a nice day!! 



Sex and Periods.
Ahhh, Sunday morning - my favorite time of the week. The house is quiet; the coffee is brewing; and I'm sitting in front of my computer anticipating another one of life's wonderful little pleasures: perusing Craigslist's Casual Encounters. There is nothing quite as satisfying (and, dare I say, stimulating?) as scrolling through the smorgasbord of sexual delights that is offered free-of-charge via Craig's Online Hook-Up Service. 
 

"lookin 4 a guy who is hott ready to have fun and get me off not just sex but mentally as well be cute or dont aply be with in my age younger is ok and will consider a suga daddy!!! have fun good luck" 

This sounds great...doesn't it? (I'm hott, cute, and would be a good suga daddy!) But what about her periods? Is she old enough to have periods? Is she missing her periods? Maybe she's too embarrassed to include periods in her posting. This has got to stop! There is no reason why women can't use periods in their postings when they are offering sex. It's natural; it's normal; people will understand; and, frankly, it just makes sense. Why should women be embarrassed about periods, or be afraid to use them in their postings? Sure, sometimes periods are a pain, sometimes they can be an inconvenience, and sometimes it's just easier to skip them, but there is no reason why sex and periods can't go together. 
I enjoy my Sunday-morning trolling, but I'll take my sex with periods (and exclamation marks!)...anytime. Period. 



Top Ten Most Overused Phrases in Personal Ads
Below is my list of the Top Ten Most Overused Phrases In Personal Ads. If YOUR ad does not contain any of the following phrases, please contact me immediately! 
10) "I live life to the fullest!" 
(Is this really the most profound philosophical statement you can come up with? Dig a little deeper, Nietzsche.) 
9) "Loves to laugh" or "Fun-loving" 
(Alright! A person who enjoys laughter and fun. What a rare individual; I must meet her at once. Just once I'd like to see "loves to sob uncontrollably for days on end.") 
8) "I'm ____ years old but I look MUCH younger!" 
(Sure you do. And if I just did a couple more sit-ups, I could still make the Giants starting lineup. Is self-delusion great or what?) 
7) "I'm a down to earth..." 
(If I see this phrase one more time, I'll... I'll... I don't know WHAT I'll do! I might be forced to actually turn off my computer and go interact with people in the REAL world. Okay, I probably wouldn't do anything THAT drastic. But you get the idea.) 
6) "I can go from jeans to a cocktail dress in 10 minutes!" 
(You must be very proud. I can't believe they haven't made this an Olympic event yet.) 
5) "I'm a intelegent..." 
(If you can't SPELL intelligent... do you see where I'm going with this? Class? Anyone?) 
4) "I'm a typical (insert astrological sign here)." 
(Astrology? Yeah, it's a science. I think they use it at NASA. I don't even know where to begin here. If you're looking for some insight into the nature of my character, don't ask me what my sign is. Talk to the Easter Bunny, he has the real inside track on me.) 
3) "I don't have a pic, but trust me, you won't be disappointed!" 
(Trust me, I will.) 
2) "Looking for THE ONE" or "Looking for my Soulmate" 
(Really? These are the most fresh and original lines you can come up with? Your mother and I had such high hopes for you. Oh well, there's always trade school.) 

And the Number One Most Overused Phrase In A Personal Ad is... 

1) "Don't worry, I plan to loose [sic] the weight real soon." 
(Ok, it's probably just me, but why am I still worried?) 

Put them all together, and the end result usually looks something like this.... 

"Fun-loving, down-to-earth woman with 5 kids from 5 different fathers seeks a intelegint guy who loves to laugh. Must be in shape! I'm temporarily 50 pounds overweight, but don't worry, I plan to loose the weight right after I finish these fries! Must look like Brad Pitt and be no older than 35! I'm 49 but I look MUCH younger! I don't have a pic, but trust me, you won't be disappointed! I'm a Libra so I live life to the fullest! I get along best with Geminis who have six-figure incomes! Must have a big heart and a bigger house, cuz the landlord just kicked us out!" 
(Well, as long you have realistic expectations.)


AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE...

Free Cello
So my sister gave me this cello a couple years ago. It's a nice cello. Actually, it's a great cello. It's probably the best cello, but I don't really know much about cellos. Also the neck snapped off. Of the cello. So it's really more like 3/4's of a cello, but the other 1/4's still there, it's just not attached. It's kind of like you're getting two cellos, only one of them doesn't have a body and the other doesn't have a neck. But if you stand them up next to each other it's like old times. You could probably fix it with like some music glue or something like that.
She also gave me a cello bag that I can give to you too, now that I won't have a cello. It's a really nice cello bag. You can fit everything in it. Actually, there might even be a bow in the bag, I'm not sure. I don't want you to think that there's 100% a bow in the bag. It's way over there, I can't check right now. But if it's in there it's yours.
If you're like me and you don't know how to play the cello then you could use it as a coin bank. It's hollow and there are two S's on the front that you could drop the coins through. Then when it's filled up you could drop it off of your roof or carry it around like a change purse. Ooh, in the cello bag. It'd be like a cello purse. I'd do it but I'm moving across the country and it won't fit in my car. What else could you do with it. You could saw the front off and use it as a sled. Or give the neck to a baby as like a wizard stick for Christmas. Totally give this cello to someone for Christmas. Or Hanukkah.
Please come get it. I'm in Echo Park. I'd actually go somewhere to meet you if wherever we're going is a cool place. Like the desert or something.
I'm 90% certain the bow's in there.


OOOOHHHHH this might have to be a regular post for me!! This was fun and my belly is now sore. The good kinda sore!